I am having panic attacks, I’m choking back tears, I’m shaking, fidgeting uncontrollably, my thoughts are on a negative infinite run, I’m losing it. I am so tired, so stressed, so emotional, so nervous, I’m falling apart. I have the PSATs tomorrow. Oh, I’m freaking about bad. I can’t sit still, I’m itching. I can’t get ahold of ANYONE. The one person who told me she’d be that person who would always be there for me, isn’t responding back. I’m too nervous to call my heart, because I haven’t talked to him in over two weeks and I don’t want to be rude and bombard him with my panic. I want to relapse so bad, you don’t even know. Gosh, I feel like it’d make all of the horrible-ness go away. I want it so bad that I’m choking back tears thinking about it. Why can’t I just do it? Why can’t I just do it and not care about the people who would be affected by my relapse? I do want to be able to see my heart and honestly tell him that I haven’t relapsed in three weeks. These three weeks have been a nightmare and I’ve gotten through them with no help whatsoever. I want him to be proud of me, I want him to hold me and tell me that he’s proud of me. I want to tell him all that I’ve been through in the past two weeks, but I can’t. Because I don’t have the guts to call him. Why am I so ashamed? I haven’t done anything wrong since the last time I talked to him. I need a hug, I need a shoulder to cry on. I need someone to give me a reason to not relapse right now.