“It just now hit me, this is more than just a set back. And when you spelled it out, well, I guess I didn’t get that and every trace of momentum is gone. And this isn’t turning out the way I want. And after all my alibis desert me, I just want to get by, I don’t want nothing to hurt me. I had no idea where my head was at, but if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that? Because I just want for all of this to end.”
“All of my escapes have been exhausted. I thought I had away, but then I lost it. And my resistance was once much stronger and I know I can’t go on like this much longer.” Adapted from Relient K’s I So Hate Consequences
I want to use the excuse that I just have a lot going on in my life right now, but I know that’s not true. It’s just me … There’s no big life changing event that made me SI, it just kind of slowly built up until it just happened. And now it sticks, it won’t go away. Everytime I succesfully go without injuring I fall back into it. I made it almost four months once and then I fell back into it. I try to escape it, but it’s got me trapped. I come so close to saying that I’m free from it, that I won’t ever fall into it again and then I do. I let the urges overtake me and quit fighting it. Then I gather up some resistance and fall into it again. It’s a never ending cycle.
I’m going through the exact same thing, believe me. I was clean for seven months or so and outta nowhere I lost it. Ever since then, I’ve been back and forth. Right now I’ve only been clean for less than two weeks, and I’m hanging on by a string.
If you vet need someone to talk to,
I’m here::
jeynann@yahoo.com
You can email me any time, I don’t care. I will respond faster than lightning. Well, not that fast, but you get the point. Just try to remind yourself that there is at least one person who is feeling the exact same way as you are right now and that even if you feel alone, you really aren’t. Hope does exist and I do care. Even though I dong know a single thing about you. I care about you very much.