It’s been 3 years and somewhere around two months since I last self-injured. I used to be really really bad for about 3 years. I relapsed many times from trying to quit in that time but then one day I just stopped and I haven’t for a little over 3 years since. I’m 18 now.

My problem is that I still think about self injuring. Sometimes it’s really bad and I think I may give in and relapse and sometimes it’s fleeting. Sometimes I go months with out thinking about it and sometimes it’s all I think about for a week straight.

Tonight was one of the more serious ones. I thought to myself, what’s the point in not doing it? I felt so hopeless and suffocated that I had such a hard time finding a reason for me to not self injury. It was one of the closer calls I’ve had, but instead I distracted myself.

I worry that the more times this happens, the less and less my resolve will be. I feel as though every time I have a moment of intense wanting like I did tonight, I come out of it with a teeny bit more of my effort chipped away.

I wonder, will it ever get any easier? And more importantly, I worry that if I do relapse, I’ll just be a failure.