its like the world never stops spinning…. out of control

everything is fine, its quite

its all gone

joyous shouts of victory –  the darkness beaten!

overshadowed by little whispers in the winds of my mind

then it starts, slowly


like a lioness stalking her prey

patient and powerful





it takes hold with such urging power, consuming my every thought

i turn around an something glitters

and i think right back to that fateful tool

over a year of being able to fight it off and its just back

the desire to be destructive



to let it all out with a simple stroke

to watch it

let loose

im trying so hard to fight it so hard to stop

my friends and fiance fight for me

and i do my best for them

but it never stops lurking in the back of my mind





to overrun my sanity again.

is this all in my head? how do i get it to stop? how do i get it all out so it never comes back? especially when my one safety – my music – is my biggest danger of staying stuck in my “depressed” moods?  Sometimes it feels like I’m a mental hypocondriac.  Instead of being worried and convinced I have every physical illness I convince myself that my mind is rampant with “disease”. Depression, anxiety, bi-polar – I convince myself that it has to be something but then the world goes back to normal and I believe that I was over reacting.  How do I break this cycle? Every psychiatrist I’ve talked to has always said there’s nothing wrong but why doesn’t it stop?