its like the world never stops spinning…. out of control

everything is fine, its quite

its all gone

joyous shouts of victory –  the darkness beaten!

overshadowed by little whispers in the winds of my mind

then it starts, slowly

quietly

like a lioness stalking her prey

patient and powerful

waiting

waiting

waiting

SNAP!

it takes hold with such urging power, consuming my every thought

i turn around an something glitters

and i think right back to that fateful tool

over a year of being able to fight it off and its just back

the desire to be destructive

malicious

violent

to let it all out with a simple stroke

to watch it

let loose

im trying so hard to fight it so hard to stop

my friends and fiance fight for me

and i do my best for them

but it never stops lurking in the back of my mind

stalking

waiting

waiting

waiting

to overrun my sanity again.

is this all in my head? how do i get it to stop? how do i get it all out so it never comes back? especially when my one safety – my music – is my biggest danger of staying stuck in my “depressed” moods?  Sometimes it feels like I’m a mental hypocondriac.  Instead of being worried and convinced I have every physical illness I convince myself that my mind is rampant with “disease”. Depression, anxiety, bi-polar – I convince myself that it has to be something but then the world goes back to normal and I believe that I was over reacting.  How do I break this cycle? Every psychiatrist I’ve talked to has always said there’s nothing wrong but why doesn’t it stop?