Recording abuse: This refers to me recording on paper the my dad’s abusing me or others in my family. It’s something a started a year ago, for therapeutic reasons.
I thought I would leave home for college and my dad would be out of my life. That I would not be emotionally and physically abused by him anymore. But the truth is, that if I stop for a second and think about him, he is right there. Right in every single aspect of my life. He is in my food, in the water I use to shower – because he pays for these things and I cannot be oblivious to this fact. If it weren’t for his money I would not be in the lucky and blessed situation I am in. And that kills me. To know that I man that is abusive and depressed and hating and someone whose been making me sick my whole life, is the one who sustains my life. He also leaves me a million voicemails, emails, and missed calls from him to remind me daily of his existence which I am desperately trying to forget about.
So here in nj , a five hour drive away from where he lives, he is eating me up, and I do not know how to escape him…
But the fact that I am acknowledging the problem, and may one day come up with a solution with the help of social workers etc., is something that calms me just enough not to have a panic attack on the spot. So I am hopeful that I will be able to break away from him quickly.
Meanwhile the last thing in the world, I will do is answer his calls, or talk to him when he tries to start a conversation.
Going home to visit my family is a tricky question because I want to see my sister and yet, I obviously DO NOT want to see him.
What helps me most in the world to overcome these feelings is to know that you exist. You, I person who has at least a tiny bit more love in your heart then he did/does. A person, who wants good, strives everyday, as much as he/she can. It means a lot to know this.