I sit here thinking back to the first day I started si’ing

and I am thinking to myself if I only knew where it was

going to take me I wonder if I would of cried out for help instead.  Back then I was a scared 9 year old now I am 33 year old still struggle every day within myself.  I have more bad days then good days and then on the good days I do all I can do to cover up my body so that the scars do not show. people ask me all the time why I wear sweatshits all the time time including during summer months I just tell them  cuz I am cold I have no cirluations no need to tell them that I have scars and I do not want them to knwo my deep dark secrets of my life.  Some days I wonder will it ever end will I ever be able to part and feel alive without haviing to SI will that day come and when will that day come.  I ask m yself isn’t there another way to feel alive when I feel dead but then when it hits its like I am in auto pilot and nothing matters everything that I planned to putin action to make a stop to this goes out the window.  As soon as I think I got a handle on it bam something happens and BAM I go on my rampage hunt.  I am off the wall until I get my “fix”  that feeling of feeling alive.  Crazy I know.

Anyways to all you teenagers out there that come here and poist and read please do your best to get a handle on this before it runs your life.  Trust me you do not want to be in my shoes 15 years from now.  And now have a life.  Get the help you need and use your resources and support. 

Mel