My love. You made me feel so safe. Is that why I lived in denial so long? You were constantly trying to convince me that you were deeply and utterly in love with me. Countless times you told me I was your only one. I was the sun lighting your world and without me you would be nothing but an empty shell residing in eternal darkness. Did you think that I wouldn’t eventually fall into belief of your lies? Had you really convinced yourself that you felt that way about me? All the while denying the truth your heart was trying so desperately to tell you, I’m sure. I would really like to know.
Not knowing, not understanding why, is the hardest part. You don’t know what opinions to form about the situation because you don’t even know the cause of the damage. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I still don’t. The confusion is suffocating; the pain, intoxicating. You barely survive the torment of dwelling on the matter and yet you’re constantly asking for more. Nobody is able to save you. The only rescue would be a love that doesn’t break you, but you’ve blocked yourself off from that possibility. You have grown cold in an instant, your heart turned to stone. You become so guarded that you would commit emotional murder before letting someone get within a thousand miles of the place it used to beat.
A true survivor of heartbreak is someone who accepts that they will never find love, real unconditional love, and comes to peace with that.
The words of “comfort” from friends and family are the worst. They are supposed to be the people that truly care about your well being, and yet with every word that leaves their mouths comes the recognition that they’re formed simply to accept things long enough for you to become another persons burden. To make you say, “Yes, everything is okay.” Everything is NOT okay. Sometimes you have to stand with someone for hours, even days, before they come down from the ledge.
Of course, that’s assuming they’re even down that path with you. Sometimes you can give people an abundance of signs of your emotional instability and they remain completely and utterly ignorant to your inner turmoil. Worse yet, they may simply not care enough to get involved.This puts them on the same page as the person who’s shattered your heart into a million little pieces. It’s a wonder if they realize how much they contribute to your pain, how much they accentuate it.
This heartache is seasoned with music. Melodies of something nearly obtained. Something foolish; something that never really was. They say that if you keep focusing on the pain that it just makes it worse, but where else is there to go when that’s the only puzzle that fits your piece?
I would rather drown in blissful ignorance than shoulder this pain for a second more.
When you take off the mask to your soul only to discover that your love no longer wishes to see, it does something to you. Something irreversible. Instead of simply taking secrets to your grave, you subconsciously vow to yourself to take your heart to your grave as well. In a way you end up perpetuating a cycle of heartbreak. You would never be cruel enough to offer false promises of eternal love, but you become unemotional to your casualties. In the end it’s a double-edged sword. You become unspeakably strong, but you will never again feel the intoxicating high of the lie that is love.
I’ll admit this post made me tear up. It’s been a few years since a boy gave me his heart–sang songs about my damaged skin and unharmed soul. He loved me, or at least he loved the shreds of me I revealed to him reluctantly, uneasy when faced with the prospect of trust. I remember his eyes on me when I shivered from memories of a twisted past. If we hadn’t been best friends at the time I would have found his persistance in trying to help my self-injuring behaviors unnerving.
The enter button is too close. I know how painful trusting can be. It’s not the love that hurts the way it does. It’s the tainting of the love with ideas that it was imperfect or worthless because of its unfortunate negation. Letting someone feel the heart beat in us, seeing a somewhat accurate version of your soul and then having it tossed aside is truly heartbreaking, figuratively speaking. I was moved, however, not by the similarity in pains of your loss to mine, but by your (I assume) rhetorical question. The idea that people can fit together like puzzle pieces seems sad to me. It seems akin to a disney ending–syrupy and predictable. As a girl who colored outside the lines until an art teacher finally noticed it as creativity, I’ve entertained the idea that people are like mosaics. We are made up of glittering pieces of glass and through unlikely, rough edges we make a picture that is at least equally compelling. Puzzle pieces by design are not meant to have flaws. People, however, have thousands of them. So perhaps when you find the person that makes you shine without changing your shape you won’t have so much pain to deal with.
And don’t worry about the heartbreak. I just went through a gut-wrenching breakup with my boyfriend of eight months. As my father liked to say, you have to dig holes to plant flowers. Nothing good grows without a little pain. Maybe you won’t fall in love for a long time, but giving yourself the option to is freeing. I wish you the best of luck and hope you feel better soon. 🙂
The world itself has become so tainted, unconditional love is nearly impossible to find. However i don’t believe unconditional love does not exist, nor do i believe it is at all horrible. I find the people are the ones who taint it. When heartbroken you believe love is nothing but in reality it is everything but because one person destroyed it’s beautiful image you see love as a horrid image of pain and suffering. People become closed up and walls are built. Most people are not willing to help you when you are broken simply because they don’t know how are just blinded by what they have been shown. No one wants to speak the truth on how people do are lousy and yea you are going to hurt. It isn’t okay but they want it to be so they say it is or will be…. I don’t know what to tell you because i have considered what you wrote and have mixed it with what i believe. I have been hurt and left in heart break but i know i felt it. With that I’m okay. Love is not the blame for pain.