I’m not going to even give an “update” about how often I SI, because it doesn’t even mean anything to me. I’m sick of pouring out my failures onto a computer, and having the text stare at me in my face, mocking me. I already have enough mental flashbacks and reminders of how often I fail every week. 

It’s funny, my friend pointed out something interesting, and it’s sometimes true. All the “happiest” people I know, including myself I guess – they always have some deep dark secret to them.  What I mean is, it’s as if I try to compensate for this horrible second life I live by always being optimistic in front of other people, and always being “super nice” or whatever. I just feel like I’m wearing this mask, that I can never take off in front of other people because I’ll scare everyone off. Sure, maybe he’s right. He’s right at least in my case, sometimes.  

This torn life though is just killing me. I feel like such a freaking hypocrite. I’m a taekwondo instructor (it’s my job to pay for gas, since I’m just in HS), and I always tell my students about the discipline of martial arts, of not only your body but your mind also. What in God’s name gives me the right to preach to these kids about discipline, confidence, or faith when I violate almost every rule I teach. God, I’m probably the world’s worst teacher. I can’t find happiness in anything that I do, I don’t even feel that my life has a purpose. What does it matter if I graduate high school, I’m just going to be another person in the crowd. I’ll graduate, go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, retire, have grandkids, and die. And life goes on. So what does it matter if I’m gone in a year, or in sixty years. I don’t want to die, I just want to disappear off the face of the earth, and not exist anymore. I’m tired of living, which is wonderful, cause I’m only 16 and have a LOT left to live. Just my luck…