8.18.10 7:41 PM
It seems like a never ending possibility of anger and frustration. Like honestly I think I feel the need for attention or something. I don’t see the point in me being here. I want to go into utter darkness now. i can’t deal with anymore!!!! I’m sick and tired of it already!! Can I just be happy already!!!  I feel like balling. Like crying my eyes out. I really wish I could be at the beach, listening to just those 3 songs by Gregory and the hawk [[ boats and birds, a wish, & The point sometimes]] Those songs are soo calming to me, and with the beach…. it’s like my own personal ecstasy..
The numbness i want isn’t coming fast enough… I can’t feel it anymore. Now that I am no longer doing my old habit [SI]..
No matter what they say or how many times any of them tell me that they love me, care for me, miss me, etc… I will always feel this way. And that is why I need help. Depression?? I don’t know what I have, but I’m scared of feeling this way for the rest of life. ” I swear I’m gunna cry, I’m sick of trying to be tough.” I want to cry really bad.. but why? How do i explain to anyone the loneliness and helplessness I feel inside of me everyday..? I feel the need to hurt. Just so that I can go back to my own little world and pretend like I am okay. because I know that I’m not. But in those moments of being numb, I feel like I’m actually normal. I feel like I actually belong in this place that I am put in. But then the feelings come back later… and I remember that I am a freak. I remember that I don’t belong.
I label myself, yes. But i know that it is true. I am only who i am. I am only a freak among these people. I am a black rose amongst all of the beautiful elegant white roses. I am not welcomed into this place.
I’ve made myself the fool who has fallen for every supposed possible happy thing. I don’t want to feel the same way anymore. For once I want to be content. I don’t want to have to pretend to be happy. I want to actually be happy. What is wrong with me?! Why do I have to put up with this?!
i’ve created a place for myself in my head. A secret place that no one knows about. Where I can close my eyes and I a, always there. A beach. Beautiful. Where only I can enter. A place where I am normal. And I am not judged. Where I can be at peace. Where I can contemplate and ponder whatever I want to.
I wish the real world would help me feel like this. I wish i could go to the beach whenever I felt like it. I don’t want this feeling anymore… But I want to cry so bad, hoping and praying that it will help me get through this. Hoping that I will be able to be happy.I just feel so done… And I am barely turning 15 in 2 months. So done and wasted…Done..
8:18 PM