I relapsed last night. It was everything started building up one thing after another. I just feel like everything is just breaking me down and i can’t do anything about it. Both of my siblings have just left for college and now i’m an only child and i’ve talk on here before about how my mother isn’t stable. I don’t think i can handle her plus other stress alone. i can’t talk to her and i only see a therapist once a week and its just making me feel worse if anything.
The whole reason i started SI ing was because i felt like everything was too fast for me and that i needed something to slow life down and to help me deal with everything going on. My friends were really supportive at first then eventually they either were too afraid to do anything to help me or they had forgotten completely. I tried to talk about it with one of my friends that i’ve had for almost 8 years and she just cried and told me to stop talking about it. I know she cares and i know if she knew what to do she would have done it but i just thought that by telling her she could help me. Failure. I sometimes feel like my family only sent me to a therapist because they wanted me off their hands.
Ever since i was little i’ve had constant pressure to be everything expected of me. And once i started thinking for myself i stopped being what they wanted and i guess i just couldn’t take not pleasing the people around me. I mean the reason i was born was to aid my parents’ broken marriage. and i didn’t work. I feel sometimes the only reason my mom wants me to do acting is because its something she never got to do because she had 3 children and she also needs money. She like expects me to be more than i can possibly be. On top of all the problems with my mother my father thinks i should be a genius and beautiful like my sister. She’s always been perfect. Tall smart funny successful and everything she did i felt like i had to do it too. And i feel like i can never be her and it hurts because thats whats expected of me. I’m short, straight B’s, blunt, indecisive. I’m nothing like her. but my parents dont get it. I can’t be all these things. I’m not. I’m myself and they don’t care. I just always feel like I’m never going to be good enough for them like everything i do is not good enough. ” Hey you did great in that play, your sister did something almost like this but she was the lead.” “This painting looks just like your sisters, hers won an award though.” “You’re grades are great, you know your sister was a straight A honors student?” Yes i know i know i know i know HOW COULD I NOT KNOW, YOU REMIND ME HOW I’M NEVER GOING TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING INDIVIDUAL EVERYDAY. HOW. COULD. I .NOT. KNOW.
I just want to be good enough for once and i feel like thats never going to happen when i’ll always be living in the shadow of someone so big.