I flash back to that day more often than I let on or would like to.

Standing in my kitchen that night. You said you cheated, but sometimes you messed around like that and I never could believe you would cheat. I just didnt think it possible, you werent like that a bit. And it was that thought of mine that drove you to do it.

We were 10 days shy of a year. I had my back to my pantry door. You got up and walked to the fridge and said you cheated. I didnt believe you. Then you said  you swore on your grandmothers grave and you were serious. When you mentioned her, I unfortunatly knew you wernt joking.

I sat down at the kitchen table and I cried. Then we went upstairs, where I cried some more. Then you left. I spent the night screaming/crying. You broke my heart.

That crying process has still happened to this day. Every day I think about the heartache and pain you caused.
Im still your girlfriend, ive forgiven you, because I love you and cant live without you./
And its killing me.
I cant escape what you did. Its all around.

I remeber the day perfectly. I tried making the best for you.
I recall details. How you climbed the fence and snuck into her room just to be with her. Her room that is in the house right behind yours.
I remeber everything she told me about what happened when you left it as a simple she kissed you when the fact that you kissed was the only part of what you told me was the truth.
I have scars on my heart from when I knew what all you had done and you swore on everything it was just one kiss and that she kissed you.
I have hate for you that still resides somewhere in me from when you had the half naked picture of my neighbor on your phone and from when I read the messages to your apparent new girlfriend you got not even a week after we broke up. Not even 24 hours from swearing you would get me back, that you would prove yourself to me.
My heart aches so badly still with pain.
I have tear stains on my skin from where I cry every night since I cant get the day out of my head.
The images of you two out of my head.
What you said to her, and said to the other girls, out of my head. Or my heart.

I kiss you. I love what I feel, I love the love that comes from them. I hate knowing theyve touched hers.
You say  you love me. I love believing you love me and us. I hate knowing that you doubted it and were thinking of leaving it.
I touch you face when we kiss. Out of habit, and because I feel close. I hate knowing you did it to her.
I remember when you told me the things you said to her. I loved that it was something you always did. I hate that you did that.
You ask me for a kiss. I love that you want to kiss me. I hate knowing you asked her the same question.
You went out pretty much every night or had a friend stay over.
I stayed alone and home. I was devastated and heartbroken. I couldnt do anything but hurt.
You seemed and seem to have been just fine and unaffected.
I have been in a desperate state of pain since you told me.

I love you. I always have. I pray that you dont doubt your love for me again.
I pray I get better so that you wont need to go anywhere else.
I blame you, I blame me.