I was doing so well. No Si, nothing. And i still carried my tool around i just didnt need it. But well im back at zero today.
I think my dad is mentally ill. I dont say this with sarcasm and i dont mean it in a mean way. He takes the most random tiny things and makes them into huge deals and only what he says is the right way to go. We were driving to his drs appt today (which i had to get for him) and i asked him why he was so quiet. Hes like well i cant say anything to you anymore without you getting mad. Now im not a hot tempered person, i get mad when someone is saying something ridiculous. Im like no i wont get mad whats up? He starts saying how my mom is the most disgusting, dirty, filthy person on earth. Im like how so? (as i try to keep calm) He goes on to explain how she doesnt do laundry enough, if she does something she expects praise for it, and then tied me into it because im apparantly dirty and filthy as well. So at this point i get mad, and i tell him that he should maybe help out once in a while. HES the one who needs the praise, not me or my mom. My mom works 60+ hours a week to bring in some money to keep our family out of financial troubles she works overtime goes to work at 1a.m comes home at 7, goes again at 2, its not easy. I dont blame her for any of it. And im at work 8 or 9 hours a day and watch my nephew full time so between all that i get home at 8 and all i really can do is make something for dinner, have dinner and go to bed. So its not like either one of us is out having a fantastic time. But my dad on the otherhand watches my nephew three days a week, works four, but the days he works he goes from 6a.m to 3. really? thats a normal shift. Its nothing out of the ordinary. Anyway back to today. So hes going on and on how me my mom and my brother are all the same and hes worked his whole life to have a family that doesnt do anything for him. Im asked him what i wasnt doing. HE always has a packed lunch everyday reguardless of where he is, he BARELY if ever does the dishes or makes dinner, he doesnt do laundry, he doesnt clean, he never goes grocery shopping, he comes home watches tv, usually drinks a few beers and goes to bed, not talking to anyone. Well im human too. I need to talk to someone sometimes just to keep myself busy. And then he tells me throwing him birthday parties and buying him gifts means nothing to him. So to sum it all up all ive done for him is… nothing. I feel so worthless to him now, and i flat out told him he needs help, because he really doesnt appreiciate what we do for him at all. I bend over backwards to make him feel better, to try to make life easy for him, i check to see if he has shampoo, soap, clean towels, clean cloths, deoderant tooth paste EVERTHING. I make sure theres fresh tea on when he gets home, make him coffee when he wants, make him snacks when i pack his lunch. I do so much and to him it all means nothing? Wow i must be stupid for doing all this for him then.
and well if all these things i do for him are nothing, then well, im done. So done with doing anything for him. He stresses me out so much. I try to be the perfect daughter and EVERYONE sees it, everyone notices how hard i try to keep him happy, but nothing ever works. Hes never happy and i cant do anything about it. He’ll see what me not doing anything for him is really like.
and then i feel bad! i say all this but deep down i feel like such a horrible person for even having these thoughts. but i cant take it anymore. i recently read a book called “House Rules” by Rachel Sontag, and it was about how she lived in a mentally abusive household. And it wasnt anything graphic or anything reguarding SI (which is why i put the name of the book on here =] ) And what she went through was my life how its always been. I never once thought it was a mentally abusive home. But after reading the story i realized how our lives almost mirror eachother in so many ways. My father does the same things he did. He does so many similar things that its kept me thinking after finishing the story.
wow, sorry i needed to get this out somewhere. I probably sound horrible and selfish for even saying any of this but i cant help how i feel anymore.