Grief is tearing at me. I am whole and happy, no longer depressed. I deal with my problems as they come, now, and have even begun to examine the darker years already past. Yet… One of my closest friends died of cancer a few months ago. He was only sixteen. We were from the same cloth and were in almost all of our classes together. He and I shared the same exact blue eyes. I see him in my mind’s-eye and my heart aches so badly… It is far worse than any other boy. I loved him as one of my closest friends. He is gone, now. Though the town remembered him they have stopped mentioning him already. The world goes on. I have other stresses and joys–things I should focus on instead of him. I know I have a network of people who would be glad to support me, but sometimes I feel so alone and helpless when I think of him. The feeling reminds me of being depressed and SIing. Just had to get that off my back before I felt like Atlas again. And if anyone knows, is eating large quantities of food and then feeling guilty and starving oneself accompanied by rigorous exercise considered an eating disorder or simply a symptom of an American girl’s typical body-loathing?
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Everyone grieves at their own level and deals with it differently. While it may seem that everyone in town has “moved on” with your friends death, each person may still be grieving privately. He had a large impact on you and it will take time to grieve his loss for you. You seem to have a wonderful insight about yourself and good support system. Allow yourself to have those feelings of loss and trust in your support system and healthy choices. It seems overwhelming now but it will get better, the loss won’t hurt as much and the memories will become happier ones. As for the eating issue… I’m not a doctor but I am going to say that first, I think you already know that what is going on isn’t the best thing for you and that you just need to hear that. Food and body issues are a whole monster in itself I would say trust your instincts. If it feels that something isn’t right talk to someone about it that you trust. I would guess that you have made it through a lot already so I bet you can get through this as well. 🙂
First of all, I’d like to say that I am sorry for your loss. The death of someone close to you is a struggle that everyone deals with differently. Even when others forget, you will remember him. Isn’t that all anyone can ask for?I am willing to bet that he would want you to remember him positively, and to not let his death negatively effect your recovery.
In regards to your eating habits – if this has only happened once, and is not a pattern you find yourself falling into, then it is probably the way you chose to cope with the emotions and stress you are feeling right now. If this is reoccurring then you should look into getting yourself diagnosed-those are warning signs of an eating disorder. Pattern or not, it is still an unhealthy way of coping. Hang in there and use some of your effective, healthy coping skills. You were able to stop SIing, that is a huge deal and takes courage and will-power. Congratulations on that! I hope you continue to maintain your abstinence by choosing not to SI. That being said, if you got yourself through Depression and SI then you can get yourself through this grief struggle as well, no matter how difficult it seems now. Do not be afraid to ask for help and try to remember that sometimes we begin to slip backwards in our progress – it is natural but does not mean you cannot push through and succeed. Keep fighting. Stay strong.