My lack of self confidence, and lack of self-esteem is out of control today – I feel completely worthless. I want to feel better about me and who I am. I want to like myself again. It is just so difficult. I get so incredibly mad at myself for who I am and it makes me want to SI. It is such a horrible feeling to look in the mirror and despise the person looking back at me. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand me. I will just look at myself with hate and tell myself all these horrible things in my head. Things I would never think of or say to another person – ever. But I feel like I deserve all the hate I give myself.
I am so in need of a friend and I have none. I feel like an insignificant loner.
A lot of self hate today and I am trying to use the tools I have learned about soothing myself with positive things, etc. But then I feel like I don’t deserve those things. Why should I reward myself – who I hate. That is why I SI.
I am still on the long streak of being SI free – but I get so angry at myself sometimes it is hard to control those urges lately. I just need someone to talk to. I am sinking and I wish I had a friend in this new place to talk to and help pull me up. I need some support and someone who understands.