When I first started coming around I noticed the comment “ask for what you need” repeatedly. Easy enough right? Ha. Yeah not so much, not for me. I have a phenomenal therapist who is professional, reliable & caring. BUT, after 523 days SAFE something has caused my urges to re-surface.  After I had a session with my counselor & my PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) was triggered I have gone down hill fast. I told my counselor this in early June & we talked about it. I didn’t talk about it so much at my last session, but I go back in approximately eight days. Asking for what I need requires words & I just don’t have them. How do I verbalize what I need when I don’t know how exactly to put what I need into words? A complex question right? What has helped me the most the last few weeks is the assignment on relapse in the Bodily Harm book & the questions to explore in a diary. I’m utilizing my alternatives, reminding myself that it’s my choice & I can choose NOT to hurt myself. Because in the end hurting myself would make things worse than they already are. Then I think of something my human and social services professor said all the time “The world didn’t end  and nobody died”. Meaning that even if I don’t feel okay I will be at some point, because no one died & the world didn’t end.  If I can slow myself down enough to figure out what I’m feeling & why I can explore it more through writing. I have alternated ‘sitting’ with my feelings & writing about them in as much detail as I can. I have also started reading a book called Radical Acceptance which I feel positive about. My urges are raging & I’m really scared right now. I am doing my best to not let them win. I just am scared senseless of the moment when I have a negative thought. Will I be strong enough to with stand the urge? I don’t think I could bare a relapse not now with everything I want right in front of me. Help. Something else I found that helps me is going outside & taking walks. Or just sitting outside & feeling the fresh air on my face. When I was on vacation I went down to the beach & once I put my feet in that old Atlantic Ocean I felt with every fiber of my being that “I’m alright and I’m okay now”. How do I find the courage to pull myself through this? Whoa! I said I didn’t have words & now I can’t stop typing. Then again typing as opposed to writing in a diary or talking to someone are two different things. Hm…