After several months of not SIing and being out of therapy, I have decided to go back to therapy again, because I am getting stronger urges to SI (although I have not acted on them), especially since I have not been adjusting well to my move to a new place and job. So because I am in a new place I have to find a new therapist. I found one and had my second session today…
Well, my thing is now that I am starting therapy again after going a while without it, I feel like I am going back down the same road again and not moving forward. I feel like therapy sometimes makes things worse. I feel like I dig deeper into my head and remember stuff I chose a long time ago to move on from and then when it comes to SI, I feel like I am always testing the water with a new therapist – like, will they understand SI, do they have experience, etc. Thankfully this therapist seems to get SI – somewhat. But again, I feel like I am traveling down the same path I have for most of my life.
I want to move away from therapy. I feel like I go through the same motions over and over. Does anyone ever feel like that? If anything – at this point if I started going back to SI (which I don’t plan to) I feel like I need something more than therapy. Every time I start back up with the SI it gets dangerously worse. But I don’t even want to think about that. I want to be done with it. But sometimes I have moments and I need to talk to someone about it, because I don’t want to put myself in a dangerous situation. I want to deal with my emotions before it gets to that point. That is why I thought going back to therapy might help.
I think I was wrong. I really don’t want to go back down the therapy route. I don’t want to be always thinking about therapy and all that. It makes me feel worse sometimes and almost more anxious.
I don’t know. I had to get this out. Am I alone with this thought?