So i posted yesterday “i really sont know how im gonna this” Im going downhilll fast! I made the mistake of not calling yasterday to get into greif counceling, mostly cause i was realing, and in shock. But when i called around today, no one could see me unless i went to the emergancy room. Even then, it would be pretty much just to askes me to see if i neeed to go impatient. So not only would i not get that chance to really say what i need to say, but even in impatient, most of the time there not really any counceling, cause the goal is primarly stabilization, which i dont really think is possible if you dont have a chance to process whats going on whith someone. Plus if i went impatient, depending on how long they kept me it may be longer til i get to see someone. As it stands now though im almost to the point that thats the only way for me to stay safe, or even alive. From my past experience i would be suffering in silence there too, though, only it would be worse, cause i would even more limited on being able to reach out to my friends and family. I have tried to reach out to my friends, but it hasnt helped much. They get uncomfortable, im guessing its because they dont know what to say or how to help. Some have tried to cheer me up, and even though it was backed with good intentions, i really dont think its a matter of just cheering up when you have just found out someone you were so close to was murdered. Ive had people just not answer their phones, or have to get off the phone all of a sudden when i start talking about it. I have even had people carrying on seperate conversations when im in the midst of pouring my heart out to them. I dont thing its that they are trying to be rude, or that they dont care, they just get uncomfortable. My family is an hour and a half away, and i dont have anyway to get there. I opened up to one of my room mates last night who by the way is going to school to be a councelor. I thought it went really well, and she was really receptive and understanding, but today, she sat me down and told her that i worried her, when i talked to her, and she sat up all night because of it. She said that she wonders if im able to take care of them. She said she didnt wanna kick me out, but she didnt know it i was gonna be able to stay here. So almost all day today i have stayed in my room so i dont make things worse there, which im sure made things worse anyway, cause the other roommate wanted me to help her with somethings today. Hence the title “suffering in silence” i have to even hold back tears that wanna gush out of my eyes, cause im afriad if they hear me cry, they wont want me here. Again, im sure its not them being insencitive or uncarring, but, like i said it makes people uncomfortable. I posted here, and since got one very suppotive reply, but not anything else. Again it probly goes back to people being uncomfortable or not wanting to say the wrong things. I even applied for an account at an online support group for people dealing with the murder of a loved one, and haven even been approved for access to the sight yet. Am i seriously supposed to just “put it away” til monday or tuesday when i can get in for grief counceling? And if so, would someone tell me how to “put it away?” Im feeling very insignafigant and abandonded. Not to mention, this is only one thing in quite a few thats bothering me. About a year and a half ago, my grandpa, the piller of my family passed away. About nine months ago a close friend commited suicide. Just wednsday, my divorce from my husband was final. And now this. It seems like im losing everyone i love one way or another, and i cant help but worry whose next. Its like they are just being plucked out of my life. Ive been having what i can only describe as flashbacks of something i didnt really witness. In other words, extremly vivid and intrusive images of what i can imagine took place.  Its like i can see everything from start to finnish. The more i try to make it go away, the worse it gets. I miss him so bad! If he was still here and it was anyone else, i would be turning to him for comfort, he was good at that. He knew just how to respond, just when to say something, and just when to just listen, i need him right now!