So i posted yesterday “i really sont know how im gonna this” Im going downhilll fast! I made the mistake of not calling yasterday to get into greif counceling, mostly cause i was realing, and in shock. But when i called around today, no one could see me unless i went to the emergancy room. Even then, it would be pretty much just to askes me to see if i neeed to go impatient. So not only would i not get that chance to really say what i need to say, but even in impatient, most of the time there not really any counceling, cause the goal is primarly stabilization, which i dont really think is possible if you dont have a chance to process whats going on whith someone. Plus if i went impatient, depending on how long they kept me it may be longer til i get to see someone. As it stands now though im almost to the point that thats the only way for me to stay safe, or even alive. From my past experience i would be suffering in silence there too, though, only it would be worse, cause i would even more limited on being able to reach out to my friends and family. I have tried to reach out to my friends, but it hasnt helped much. They get uncomfortable, im guessing its because they dont know what to say or how to help. Some have tried to cheer me up, and even though it was backed with good intentions, i really dont think its a matter of just cheering up when you have just found out someone you were so close to was murdered. Ive had people just not answer their phones, or have to get off the phone all of a sudden when i start talking about it. I have even had people carrying on seperate conversations when im in the midst of pouring my heart out to them. I dont thing its that they are trying to be rude, or that they dont care, they just get uncomfortable. My family is an hour and a half away, and i dont have anyway to get there. I opened up to one of my room mates last night who by the way is going to school to be a councelor. I thought it went really well, and she was really receptive and understanding, but today, she sat me down and told her that i worried her, when i talked to her, and she sat up all night because of it. She said that she wonders if im able to take care of them. She said she didnt wanna kick me out, but she didnt know it i was gonna be able to stay here. So almost all day today i have stayed in my room so i dont make things worse there, which im sure made things worse anyway, cause the other roommate wanted me to help her with somethings today. Hence the title “suffering in silence” i have to even hold back tears that wanna gush out of my eyes, cause im afriad if they hear me cry, they wont want me here. Again, im sure its not them being insencitive or uncarring, but, like i said it makes people uncomfortable. I posted here, and since got one very suppotive reply, but not anything else. Again it probly goes back to people being uncomfortable or not wanting to say the wrong things. I even applied for an account at an online support group for people dealing with the murder of a loved one, and haven even been approved for access to the sight yet. Am i seriously supposed to just “put it away” til monday or tuesday when i can get in for grief counceling? And if so, would someone tell me how to “put it away?” Im feeling very insignafigant and abandonded. Not to mention, this is only one thing in quite a few thats bothering me. About a year and a half ago, my grandpa, the piller of my family passed away. About nine months ago a close friend commited suicide. Just wednsday, my divorce from my husband was final. And now this. It seems like im losing everyone i love one way or another, and i cant help but worry whose next. Its like they are just being plucked out of my life. Ive been having what i can only describe as flashbacks of something i didnt really witness. In other words, extremly vivid and intrusive images of what i can imagine took place. Its like i can see everything from start to finnish. The more i try to make it go away, the worse it gets. I miss him so bad! If he was still here and it was anyone else, i would be turning to him for comfort, he was good at that. He knew just how to respond, just when to say something, and just when to just listen, i need him right now!
Don’t knock inpatient until you’ve been there, even if merely for stabilization. I spent 23 weeks in a “stablization unit” and came out much, MUCH better than when I went in. I have remained stable since discharge because while in the hospital, I was given tools to use until I could follow-up with more intense care.
Often with stablization units, you can get into counseling even faster upon discharge than you would normally. I had two different roommates who had serious grief issues and the hospital helped them significantly. They were able to get crisis tools and were able to obtain follow-up care immediately. You might be eligible for a case worker, might be able to get some medication to help for the temporary, and will be able to learn about resources in your community.
The hospital can be a true gift if you choose to look at it that way. They can help you get through the immediate shock of everything, providing you with an immediately stable environment and people to talk to. Often you do get to talk with a counselor in the hospital… but if not, then the staff can help and will usually listen.
Mistakes are part of being human, and we either have the choice to fix them or accept our flaws. You are making an attempt to get help, by knowing what you have to do by calling to get into counseling. Now, put that into action, and get the help and gain the resources you need. Just when we appear to be losing the world around us, that’s when we need to find someone to help us through, and there is ALWAYS someone out there who can keep us safe. But, we have to do that for ourselves as well, we can’t always completely rely on others to help us out. We have to help ourselves, by wanting help and doing whatever it takes to get there. I think amidst all the chaos, you’ll find a way out. Just talk through it. If you need someone anytime, call them. Anytime. Because that’s what friends are here for. To help us. You are never alone, and you can’t get through this alone. We’re all here for you, and we all understand. Times may be tough, but we always have the power to control how we deal with them. We can rise above. Keep your faith, stay strong.
<3 love is always here.
rescue