well its been a while and though i was relieved that school will finally let me do summer school – mentally i dont feel a lot better than i did a while ago

i just cant seem to commit to stop doing it, im always in a cycle of feeling like theres nothing wrong with it and indulging in it and then – once i do it i think back and wanna stop but then – the relief runs out in a few days and im back to where i started – wanting to do it for a pick me up – even if i havent been under too much stress and the days seem to be almost perfect (which is probably as good as its gonna get)

i really dont know how im gonna feel if i make it a few more days without SI’ing – its not like i think i will explode – its just that i think im just gonna mentally feel bad without doing it – its like once you start you just cant imagine stopping.