I am freaking out! I have been trying to get ahold of one of my best friends since like febuary to no avail. For a while when i called, there was no answer, like ever. It was kinda normal, though cause he worked in the city all week, and only came home to his ranch on the weekends. Even when he was home, he spent most of his time doing yard work, i knew this cause i used to spend almost every weekend with him. So id try here and there, but i didnt wanna try too much, cause i didnt want him to think i was like obsessed with him. After a while his phone was disconnected. I was kinda worried then, cause it wouldnt be like him to not pay a bill, but still i figured maybe he let the ranch go and moved up to tulsa, so when i got a chance, i would try to find him on the internet. I sent him a friend request on facebook, emailed him, and still nothing. And of course being the stupid over sencitive person i am, i started to think he was mad at me. well like, just this morning, i was looking for him some more. i got desperate enough to do a public records search on him, and what i found led me to a news paper article stating that he had been the victom of a homicide. Im like freaking out. just in the two hours that i have known, i have felt shock, disbelief, anger, sadness, disasociation, and like a ton of other things i cant think of a name for. I am like, freaking out. I didnt get to say good bye, i didnt get to go to the funeral, cause i didnt know. The only things i can be greatful for are that if i hadnt moved away, i may have been there and killed too, or found him. I just cant do this, i cant handle it. The man was an awesome person. I dont even know if he ever even had a speeding ticket. He would give you the shirt off his back. Seriously there was a time when i had a need, and he literately gave me the last of his money in order to meet that need for me. I loved him, and when i say that, i really did, so mony times i wanted to say so, but just couldnt. We sould lay beside each other and just cuddle for hours, so however unspoken it was, it was real, and it was mutural. I could tell by how special he made me feel. Ive met some creeps who can sweet talk you just to use or hurt you, but this was different, it was the real thing. Often times it wasnt just in the things he said, it was in what he did, the way he looked at me. We just clicked, like to the point of finnishing each others sentences. It was the kind of compatability where, even when we couldnt put how we were feeling in words the other knew, cause we viewed things the same, we responded to things almost identically. We just knew, and we felt each others hurts and sufferings. Like we were head over hills for each other, but never were more than just friends, cause we were both scared. I feel like really disconnected from the world. Nobody had a right to take him from me. I like hate who ever did it. I hate them, but if only i knew who to hate. I have an idea who did it, a good idea, but just dont know. I cant do it, i just cant. I cant. its too much.