so on my journey to heal…i went and found the book that is supported by S.A.F.E.

OKAY SO I BECAME VERY ANXIOUS AND ANNOYED…idk…started reading it then i flipped to various sections in the book…then i saw the self evaluation…and then thats what made me want to throw the book…majority of the questions where more in depth than i was willing to go at the time and or admit…in turn i put the book back on the self in the incorrect spot…emotionally drained…i guess apart of me wants a quick fix…and another just wants to block it out and act as if it DOES NOT EXIST…and wait until the next time i slip…both options are a BIG FAT negative…i made a choice today to reach out to 2 of my friends and asked them to be apart of me support system and that i need help…and i cannot do it alone emotionally alone any longer… i need to speak…or i will explode…

how does a “normal” person feel on a daily basis…geez…can i trade for a day so i can have some emotional peace 🙂

i dont have any urges to s.i. but i do just want to take a sleep aid so i can sleep…ive chosen not to…ive opted to stay awake and deal with the fright in my stomach…i hope i effectively  communicated to my friend today that i love her and want her in my life…i hope…its really causing me great angst at the current moment…because their are soo many emotions between us that i cannot cope with or verbalize effectively…which makes me close up and just say forget it…i opted to email her despite my urge to close up and keep it all to myself…its all part of the process…ive never asked anyone for anything or confided in anyone…the last time i did…my life was destroyed with all my life’s secrets bare for all to know…she tricked me…she got me to trust her…she got me to view her as a friend/confidant…i thought she was someone that understood what i was going through and would help me…but instead she ruined me…SHE IS THE REASON I QUESTION EVERYONE AND THEIR KINDNESS…she hurt me…i was devastated…so from then on out all my interactions were shallow and one sided…i never told anyone more than they needed to know about…my life story has never been longer than a paragraph since 2005…

p.s. i do plan to try and read the book again