well i have been aching to get on here…but i have not had the alone to time to do so…i have had some very productive days…yesterday and today being the most…yesterday i decided to be proactive and go to barnes and noble and find a book(s) on s.i. i wanted to identify my symptoms or that i actually have a problem, bc i am still unfortunately in denial…that i dont need help and i can handle it myself…but i found 2 books on the subject… i focused on one book in particular…it stood out to me…i was pretty much teary eyed because exactly what the author discussed i do…maybe not all but a vast majority…but i didnt notice…i was so deeply inthrawled in the book i noticed nothing around me, tears whelled in my eyes…because i felt normal if that makes since?? The thing that stood out to me the most was the attachment i thought i was making but really wasnt…i avoid making deep connections with people and only allow it to be one sided while i rely on NOone emotionally…i have best friends but i dont really go to them or anyone about issues that really plague me…id much rather internalize it and act as if it doesnt exist…id say my GREATEST ability is to forget and act as if it never happen…now its jus automatic and i dont even know when im doing it…i have chunks of my life missing…the author discussed how that is a possible thing that can be done in ppl who s.i. i was mortified to read that i do these things like going into trances and block things out…it makes me wonder what has really happen to me that i just dont want to remember…i havent finished the book quite yet but i intended to…also i made some phone calls to counselors in my area to make appts ( draw back is no insurance, if anyone knows a way i can get in to see a counsler let me know) and none do a sliding scale…i joined an online support group (well they are on google, i figured its something)…and i am going to purchase the book supported by this sight…one of the phone operators called me back and told me it was good resource…also, i have a plan to face things when i get emotional…idk if i can do it by myself without the help of professional because i have SO many blocks up…heck i have blocks up to myself that i need to break through…i am really feeling like i desperately need some help…and i want it…but its just not out here…im getting discouraged…i know i cant do this alone…i know i cant…ill jus suppress it and act like im cured…but this time im looking to stop the thghts the feelings and desires…i want to feel ok…i want to feel that life isnt that bad…i want to feel that people care and everyone isnt out to get me…for some reason last night i was scared…i had an uneasy feeling all night last night…im not sure why…i felt very anxious and alone…i just wanted to lay in the bed an never get up…but that way id be left alone with myself and my thoughts…and i dont like my thoughts…because they will go straight to life…and life isnt one of the topics i want to think about…i actually hate to think…id prefer my head to be empty and void of all thoughts…at times i just want to blend into the wall…and just go unnoticed…i am a person that always stands out…idk…it just happens…no matter where i go or what job i have i just stand out…people tell me their is something about me that is just different or weird…i love being different from the crowd…but at times the heavy concentration on my looks get irritating…VERY…i wanna be more than just a pretty girl…i want to be able to dress down and look ugly…and not worry about it…i can say im not worried about wht society thinks of me BUT i care to a certain extent…because of expectations…im expected to be polished. its just tough to live up to all the time…sometimes i just want to be frumpy and have noone judge and say i still am beautiful regardless of my clothes or makeup or anything materialistic…i genuinely believe most of my connections with people are shallow based solely on looks…with this heavy concentration on my looks i have evolved into this shallow monster…that is  attention straved when im not the center, i feel all my worth is my looks, that my intelligence doesnt shine above my looks…i feel like my value is very little…even as a child my parents, well my mother in particular, constantly told me how pretty i am and cute etc…but told my sisters nothing of the sort…i was always her “pretty baby”…fat…but pretty…they would call me into their room and have like meetings about any weight ive gained…and say statements like ” look how thick or thighs have gotten”, or ” dont you think youve been gaining weight?” and if i cried i was scolded and told that i cant have hard feelings about…My mother was the daggum food patrol…who ate this?? who opened that??? GIRL, you dont need that!! constantly looking at what im eating…CONSTANTLY… these have manifested into an adult who NEVER IS THE FIRST ONE TO OPEN ANYTHING (if i do i hide it)…NEVER EATS THE LAST OF ANYTHING(so i dont have to admit i did bc its humiliating)…this all just goes into a shallow existance…im obsessed with my weight and my looks…i have a hard shell on the out side of bravado…but im broken and just waiting on the glue…i feel no one truly loves me or cares about me…im always unsatisfied with what he or she might do…i realize it actually is ME and not THEM…i have to happy internally b4 i can think of successful relationships…but how can i when ive been so happy in my own self made misery-self hate- love relationship with myself…im lost…and i want to be found…i have to stop the s.i and the thoughts…i have to…because they all link together…thoughts i JUST CANNOT DEAL WITH…