I miss the old me. The 13 year old who didn’t have any major problems. The 12 year old whose biggest worry was morning swim practice. The 11 year old getting ready for a piano recital. The 10 year old who had a great birthday.
I miss the 16 year old who had control of her life. I miss the 17 year old who si’d. I miss the 18 year old who was sleeping around and not caring. I miss the 19 year old who started college fresh and ready to learn.
I wish I could go back and visit one day out of each year of my life. The biggest thing I miss is si. It was the one thing I hated but the one thing that made me who I am today. I don’t know if I’m making sense. But sometimes I feel like si was the best thing that could ever happen to me. But other times its the worst. I’ve wanted to si all day today. I’ve wanted to injure and not look back. I wish I could not look back. Cuz then I think too much and miss too much. I want to be happy. I need to be happy. How am I suppose to be happy when the one thing I had ultimate power over is out of my control?
i know exactly how you feel with missing your si. i remember back when i si’d and no one knew. my dad knew i did it once but he assumed i stopped. i remember doing it and it’s honestly what kept me together and made me “happy”. it’s weird to say but i can think back and i can say that i miss those times. :/
I understand what you mean by self-injury has helped you become who you are today. I feel similar, but I still don’t miss self-injury… I mean, I wouldn’t be the person I am today had I not gone through my struggles with self-injury — but I absolutely don’t miss the days of hiding my wounds… I don’t miss not being able to go swimming or being forced to wear long clothes all summer long. I don’t miss having to change in a separate changing room from my friends when shopping. I don’t miss the pain of the wounds and I don’t miss the trips to the hospital emergency rooms or the ambulance trips – nope, don’t miss any of that!
I know my struggles with self-injury are part of my life story and I know they have helped me become a stronger person, but I also know that the rest of my life will be spent overcoming the damage that self-injury has done to my life. Self-injury nearly got me kicked out college, it has kept me from jobs I’ve been qualified for, it has lowered my self-esteem, it has taken away priceless moments with friends and family. It has taken away my physical beauty and has caused my friends and family so much anguish.
it’s a coping mechanism, and that’s how it helps us. but the risks outweigh the benefits when it comes to self injury, most definitely. it’s something you miss, because chemically, it’s an attachment. but it’s still a choice. you have the choice to move forward, and not dwell on missing your past. we cannot change the past, because it’s gone. all we can do is look to the future, because THAT we have control over. we can set goals for tomorrow, and the most important moment of your life is RIGHT NOW. the present. right this very second. which is more effective, thinking about the past we cannot change, or bettering ourselves so we can learn and allow the future to change?