today was a wonderful day…well possibly…i was sort of in a fog…maybe more existing rather than living today…i didnt truly laugh today until like almost 9 pm…i felt like a zombie today…maybe i worked out too hard this week…im trying to i guess manifest my s.i. into a workout plan??? if that makes since…a way to possibly get out the angst ive been feeling…and the emotions that i can not over come…maybe to give myself time to think on my runs…think about whatever arises…i did have strong urges to self injure today…but i decided to do this BLOG instead of potentially doing it…i have been trying to find an analogy to pair with my desire to s.i. but their isnt one…idk what it feels like to do anything else or have any other kind of addition…besides to make myself FEEL the pain…for the most part i am a person that rarely feels much…its not nearly as bad as the bubble i use to have myself in when i wld daily s.i. but this numbness is something i hope to surpass…because i want to be that girl that feels and cries and can say what shes feeling w/o feeling like a complete goober…i think the lack of emotion is truly evident when im romantically involved…if you can call any of my past relationships that…i just have a general i dont care attitude well maybe not tht i dont care but i just do whatever i want and throw caution to the wind…im tired of being that way i ready to feel and love myself…maybe deep down i dont love myself i jus mask it with being conceited…i often wonder if i felt the love from my parents growing up wld i still be this same ICE QUEEN…..and i dnt know whats left to lose except for my sanity…i googled steps to stop self injury…and i can barely read them… one of them is to see what your trigger is…i guess im going to marinade on that one and see…i may have found one…being back in my home town with my parents…i believe that is a HUGE trigger…because i lived thru alot of stress in here and cried alot of tears…and coping with being back here is VERY tough…i think most of the feelings are in my subconscious…its like im just waiting on the horrible doom or terror to creep up once again…ok so,the 1st step usually is tell someone you can trust and that will listen…how can i when im so deeply ashamed and feel i can fix myself in private…because im suppose to be this “great beautiful well adjusted girl” that is always the life of the party keeping ppl laughing and helping them with their hurts…i think step one is the hardest step for me…to utter the words that i have a problem and i need help…while hoping the person i confide in doesnt think im a complete nut job and want to place me on watch…death is not something i wish for anymore…actually ive become quite terrified of death…i wanna live and live dang near forever…i just want to be happy…im not sure what pure happiness feels like…sure ive felt it in spurts but i want to feel what it feels like to love yourself and your existence…and not feel like your a nuisance to the world…i think at this time in my life im tired of being strong i just want to feel and go through the emotions instead of around them…my coping is just to BLOCK IT OUT and act as if it never happened…ive gotten soo good at it their are things that have completely been erased…i dont know what im trying to accomplish by this blog but i hope it reaches someone…well not jus anyone but me…and i get a resolve and empowerment…because i just realized today ive been doing this off and on for over 10  years…10 years?!? that is scary…but this time i plan to do it the heathly way…im not sure of what that way might be but i think that this is a start…im still blank right now…but i feel much better than i did….but self injury is in the back of my mind because im wondering if i can s.i….to feel that same numbness seems great…to just exist and let life pass me by because i cant deal sounds kinda good…because at times if feel no good can come to me…like im cursed to forever be miserable and only experience happiness in short bursts…