So. I’m 27 years old. I am engaged to be married. I have been an injurer since I was 12. Three years ago, I had a particularly rough experience that resulted in something like stitches. Since I have been “good”. I recognize how quickly the act can spiral out of control and how dangerous it is. So over the past three years I have probably slipped up five to ten times but none very seriously. Three days ago I had a fantastic day. I met with the officiant of my wedding to discuss the ceremony (which was awesome and very successful). I then went to my friend’s birthday party. I drank some. But I was happy. Genuinely enjoying myself. Once home I realized I was pretty intoxicated. I was preparing for bed and the next thing I know, I’ve injured myself. I’m in the bathroom trying to cover it all up. I come to bed smiling at my fiance as though nothing is wrong. Remember this isn’t something I engage in anymore. I am known by my friends and my fiance as recovered, not suffering. Now here I am with an injury. I don’t understand! I don’t do this anymore and I’m happier than I have every been. What thought ran through my mind that gave me permission or even just made it seem like a good idea to injure myself? Am I going to suffer from this forever? I am too old for this!
Hi. I read your post and wanted to let you know that I relate to everything you have said. I too am 27, and engaged to be married, and started injuring when I was 13. Life, although still has it’s moments, is so much better than it has been. I have recently just gotten on the path to be si free. It has only been 7 months, but 7 months is 7 months!
Anyway, I just really wanted to say that slip-ups can happen but it doesn’t mean that the cycle of si is automatically going to continue again. It could just be a one time thing that may have happened due to some other factors (ie. Being intoxicated) Try not to get too discouraged, but rather take the time to see what led you to choose si and then learn from that.
This may not be helpful at all, but I just wanted to let you know that I relate.
It really helps to know that someone can relate so precisely. I certainly have been feeling more alone than I should at a time when I should be embracing community. Also, like you I have decided that I must seek help regarding this very specific problem. One thing I realize is is how easy it is to lose perspective. Things aren’t ever black and white and I have to learn to relax and appreciate gray area. One slip up doesn’t have to be the end of the world. Thank you for reinforcing that.
No, you are not going to have to go through this forever.
One slip up doesn’t mean you have to continue your behavior. Sometimes when I slip up, it reminds me exactly how much I hate this beast of self-injury. It reminds me how I don’t have to cope this way if I don’t want to anymore. It reminds me how much self-injury hurts not only me, but others who care and love about me. A slip up doesn’t mean you’ll ever have to return to it — let it be a learning experience.
I’m 27 and I’m in recovery, recovery every single day from self-injury. I’m currently waiting for a bed to open up at a treatment center and everyday I have to wait, feels like forever. I want and need to get to the bottom of my issues and holding on until I can start working on them, well, it almost seems impossible. Self-injury has always been an easy thing to do and now I’m finding it almost too easy to pass up, which scares me.
Yes, I’m still hopeful for a life without self-injury. I know it has to exist in more than just my dreams. It isn’t always possible to beat alone, so don’t be afraid to reach out for support and love from others who care about you.
If you ever want to talk, email me at cratclif@gmail.com I know it is hard being an adult facing self-injury and the consequences of our past behaviors… especially when we are the verge of the rest of our life. Yes, it is possible. We are going to prove it too!