I’ve been accepted into treatment, but now I’m on the waiting list and it is hard for me to stay strong sometimes. I mean, I know that if I break apart and can’t keep myself held together — that my bed will be given to someone else. I have to remain medically stable in order to get a bed, as I’m going to a “non-medical facility”.
Sometimes it is hard to be strong. Today, I was given a lot of hope because I heard from the program twice. They received my first homework assignment and they are mailing me my next set of assignments to do while I’m waiting. I also heard from the house director, which was an intense but good phone call. This program requires a lot from their girls and it is to make sure that the girls are dedicated and fully ready to face their issues. I am ready to face my issues, yet I’m scared. I want this more than anything, but in the middle of the night or during an argument with my folks — I still feel like I’m made of glass and could shatter at any moment. I need help and I’m clinging to the hope of being granted a bed so I can get help.
In my head, I keep on going up and down and up and down my “To Do List”. I have to remain medically stable, I must take all of my meds, I have to keep on eating, I can’t self-injure, etc… It is so hard, but I want to get help so desperately. When the stress builds up and builds up, I don’t think I can do it.
Right now, I’m more afraid of dying than I am of living — so I think that is why I’m able to keep on making better choices. I’m choosing not to hurt myself and to stay on my meds and to keep in faithful touch with a member of my support system daily – I daily, often multiple times a day, have to decide that I can and will stay strong. The last time I injured I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance. I know that right now, if I give up – I won’t make it.
I can’t give up and I must keep hoping for a bed.