“Truth. Balled tightly in my fist. A secret. Forever a secret that I can’t share. Caught in the middle and I don’t dare open my palm for all to see. The truth is ugly, they think. The lies are comfortable. It is what they all want. Who am I to think differently? Who am I at all?
I wish I could fling the truth into the deepest part of the sea, lost … gone. But I know one day … one day as I walked along the seashore, it would reach out and swirl around my ankles, pulling me in until I drowned along with it.” pg. 125 Scribbler of Dreams, by Mary E. Pearson
I feel like lying about my SI is the best option, no one really wants to know about it. It’s not something that really pleases people when they hear their kid is SI’ing. For awhile I went to a psychologist and a psychiatrist but they didn’t help. I could never say what I needed to, to the psychologist. Because I’m not 18 I had to have an adult sit in with me when I I went to the psychiatrist. So my dad would go but he’d talk the whole time and never let me say anything. He’d spend the whole session saying how bad I was and how much he, my mom and siblings didn’t understand why I was such a pain. So we quit going because it cost so much. And now I find I’m back into SI’ing and there’s no real outlet or person to turn to. I just find it’s really hard to open up to people.
Lying is never the best option, as it only puts off the truth. The truth might be difficult to hear, but it is ALWAYS THE BEST OPTION. No one appreciates being decieved or lied to, not you or anyone else. FOR EXAMPLE: I would rather know the truth that someone doesn’t like me than to find out later they were only pretending.
You should be able to see a counselor without your parent being present. I know it is hard to talk about some things when someone is present, especially a parent or someone we aren’t comfortable talking around. Next time, ask if you can talk with your doctor alone. Because you are under 18, your doctor or counselor will have to tell your parents what you are doing because they have to report it – it is the law to report when someone is hurting themselves or others.
Do you trust any of your friends’ parents or anything? Is there any adult you trust — maybe a pastor at church? Don’t give up trying to reach out. Chances are, people suspect something isn’t “right” with you. We all think we can hide what we are doing, but in reality… those who love and care about us most already know we are hurting, yet they often don’t know how to help us until we let them in closer to us.