I can not possibly express to the full extent about my need for SI right now as a form of self punishment. I get so insecure, not confident and feel that if I make an error or look like an idiot I need to make myself pay for it. The feeling just consumes me to the point I can not think about anything else but how much I loathe myself at that very moment. I can see, feel and desire SI just to make myself know how much of an idiot I can be.
I try to use my tools. I try to think of someone else who maybe made the same mistake I did, and see that it is really not that big of a deal, and certainly not something to harm yourself over. But I can never be that fictitious person. I am me, and I hate who I am sometimes. It is driving me mad today. I want to SI, I want myself to be punished for being stupid, ugly, insecure, passive, etc… I hate myself today and I want to SI because of it.
How on earth do I stop feeling like this. I know it is normal to sometimes have little insecure moments where you might not particularly feel 100% good about yourself, but I feel like there is no one I hate more at the moment than me, and I need to make myself pay for who I am. When I type this, it sounds rather ridiculous which only makes me feel like that much more of an idiot for thinking like that.
I feel myself screaming inside with my whole body. I feel that if I had a tool in my hand I could be extreamly dangerous to my body just so that I can erase all the bad that makes up me. It scares me to think like this, and in a moment like now I don’t know how to change my thoughts. I feel very lonely, and helpless when I get like this. I don’t want to SI. I know somewhere deep down, I shouldn’t punish myself – there is no need, but that still doesn’t make the hate and feeling of having to SI go away.
I need help with this. I feel like I have all other emotions under control and the SI associated with them ( I have not SIed in about 7 months), but this is one emotion I can’t seem to get a grasp on how to handle or how to use any tools.
I feel stuck with this, and I hate it.