Last night after Shabbat I was tired. Shabbat I had spent learning and socializing. Mostly I spent time with Miriam a girl that is very friendly and big hearted, but at times strange. One thing’s for sure, being around her big personality, tires you out. So at the end of Shabbat, I headed back home tired. And of course, I started to help cleaning the house since it was Friday night and that’s what I always do.
After I was finished I decided to watch a little TV/watch on my laptop in my room. I brought up some fruit-roll-ups, dried cranberries, sucking candies and macaroons and cheese, and started to watch a familiar episode of Gilmore Girls ( one I had already watched). The show is very cheesy and touchy feely bitter-sweet predictable girli, the kind of show that you say aww and smile. I like it because it relaxes me after a long day of chaos, possibly fun chaos but non e the less chaos in this case it was hanging out with Miriam is th a chaos Im talking about. And if I didn’t wwatch I woulfd probally let out my anxiety in much worse ways… So it was good to sit down and watch.
I was only watchignn for like 30 minutes when my ma come s into the room, it was abut 1:30 by then. She started to yell at me that I have to sleep. I didn’t listen to her the first time but when she came in the second time I had to listen because I didn’t want to make a whoile big deal out of all this. I was a little angry thought but I got up , started taking off y clothes right in front of her and getting into bed,. I was not going to brush my teeth tonight. When I was in be dshe continued yelling, I don’t remember what she was saying but it was defiinately hurtful things. Like I am a loser and imresponsible. I closes my ears, and tightly held onto my blanket, I held in all the anger because I knew if I let any out, she would just make things worst by saying even meaner things. Since it was dark in the room she could not see that I was closing my ears. Eventually she left.
Next day. Dad came into my room. I was still sleeping at like 10:30. He hates when I sleep in and on multiple occasions has told me not to. I didn’t listen. He yelled at me f9r like 20 minutes telling me that I would become I homeless person if I kept this up… ( by the way this is happening during vacation. It’s not like I had anything planned for the morning that I was missing) Basically he yelled and screamed and I recited King David’s psalms in my head “Don’t trust wicked people, a person who has nothing to redeem him, his spirit will leave him and he will return to the earth” I barely heard what my dad was saying , but the few things I did hear and the look in his eyes which I mistakenly decided to look up at is enough for any girl to be frighttened and angry do the point when she might deicded to do something irrational like run away from home, injure or etc.. Since I don’t want to take part in irrational behavior, I decided to write. Every time my parents do something like this to me, I want to write it down. Got to go now before dad come and sees I’m not doing anything practicle.
P.S. Thank you to all of you who responded to my last post. It has helped me!