Im becomming more and more consumed by depression. And its not just depression its self hate to the point i can hardly stand to look in the mirror. Now let me clarify, its hard to look in the mirror not just cause i feel ugly and fat, but also because i hat whats on the inside. Its been about 3 or 4 years since i was so bad off that i couldnt stand my own reflection, but im there again, only this time i have to face the mirrors, cause my roommates would think i flipped my lid if i covered them like i did before. Then theres, the scepticism of others, almost paranoia. I honestly have the best group of real friends ive ever had. I have true friends, and the fact that i cant even appriciate them makes me hate myself even more. Im so sick of the haze im walking around in. All week i had been wanting to go swimming with my friends, and we did today. Do you think i appriciated that, no, not me, almost the whole time we were there, i either wanted to go home, or to just become nonexistant. I dont so much want to die, i just wish i could not exist. So, im getting worse and worse, bouts of depression are coming more often, lasting longer, getting harder to resist or shake off, and they are deffenately more intense. but i must say i did a good time pretending to be happy today. when your swimming, its easy to disquise listlessness and just laying back on the floaty and relaxin, and when youre on your way home, its easy to pass it off as being exhasted. Thats kinda my story now a days, i dont feel good, or im tired. Neither are a lie, i dont feel good in my heart, and im tired of it. But i cant let them know whats really going on. They are the type of friends that it accually hurts them to see me hurting, and besides that since they are such good friends, im like terrified of running them off. So im like in my own little world, even when were at the lake, or even when were jus thanging out. It just makes me so mad that ive lost my enjoyment. Im at a place in my life where i should be happy, good friends, lots of fun, my finances have taken a turn for the better, i mean things are finnally good for me. I have really never had a time when things around me were going so good, and yet i cant even enjoy it. Ugh, i wish i could snap out of it and savor the moment. it may not always be lookin up like this. Why do i let my past hurts rob me from my present joys?