My weight has always been an issure. Since I was little I waas the bigger girl. Recently I’ve been working out. Its been over six months. I’ve lost three pounds. Like I try hard. With a personal trainer. I think of my weight it makes me want to si. I think of how hard I train with nothing happening I want to si. I was driving the other day and I was thinking to myself I should si to control my hunger. THAT’S what scares me. If I’m willing to harm myself on the outside to get where I want to be on the inside…isn’t that messed up? Isn’t that what people call crazy? I don’t want to harm myself. But I’m tired of being a fat girl. I’m tired of buying six pairs of jeans when I find a pair that fit right cuz its so hard to find that size. I’m tired of being an 18. I don’t know how to change myself. I need a new addiction. Why can’t it be a healthy one? I’m sorry I’m complaining so much.
This is EXACTLY what have been thinking recently (among other SI related things).
“I was thinking to myself I should si to control my hunger. THAT’S what scares me. If I’m willing to harm myself on the outside to get where I want to be on the inside…isn’t that messed up?”
I find that since I have stopped SIing I have replaced it with food because food can be a source of comfort for me and with that I gain weight and then feel bad about it. It is like the circle of SI just with food.
I agree with needed a new thing to do. I am finding that when I have a bad day at work, where I normally might SI, I eat something good (but unhealthy instead). Sometimes I too feel that at least with going back to SI I can stop the emotional eating. I can hide the scars, but it is harder to hide the weight.
I am trying to find a balance…which is not easy, but there can be a healthy way to deal with things.
Oh, and awesome job for working out and having a personal trainer! It is getting your body healthy, sometimes it is just easy to see at first.
Thanks. I really thought I was the only person who thought like that.
And thanks I really like my personal trainer he makes working out fun lol