It’s been a while since I’ve hurt myself on purpose. I’ve grown in the time. Learned to love, and learned how to deal with additional loss without falling apart. Today, however, I felt the first stirring of fear that I would return to my old ways. My boyfriend and I broke up on our sixth month after he watched me cry about my family (one of only two times I’ve ever showed that lack of control) and didn’t stoop to comfort me, merely walking away. Literally. My father asked me how to help him with staying dry and I had no answers, only wistful caterpillars burrowing in my chest. Addiction has always been strong in my family and dependency stronger still, but through the years I spent battling depression I had always thought of myself as being stronger than all of that. I had willpower that kept my muscles working long after I shouldered the burden of the world. Now, however, I am weak. I love living and I love feeling good but I am a poet by nature and I feel things so strongly that sometimes my emotions overwhelm me. Secretly, that is. And now, secretly, I harbor wounds that stretch miles back into my hurt childhood and feel a depth of despair that makes me anxious for the distraction and penance self-injuring seemed to bring. What can I do when there is nothing I can concievably change in my life? Is it my attitude that needs a remedy? I want to keep my scars white and my chin up so badly, but it’s not easy… even after almost two years.
You do have the power to change something and change something right now, which are YOUR THOUGHTS. You can change how you think and you can make the thoughts of self-injury leave your head, by not allowing them to stay in your head. You can block out and or get rid of the intrusive thoughts.
You have the power to remain self-injury free, which is a change in your life. When we want to return to our old ways, we are wanting to “change back”. You can “change forward” and stay clean from self-injury.
No, it isn’t easy, but you know and I know and others know that it is so much worth remaining self-injury free. Take it one day at a time or a few minutes at a time, choosing to remain without self-injury. You can change your thoughts in the moment to not focus on wanting to hurt yourself.
I believe in you and I believe in me. There is life after self-injury! Living it feels great, doesn’t it?? I know I’m living it and I deal with the haunting memories daily, but I choose not to focus on them. I choose to focus on living without self-injury. The benefits are incredible!