I was doing okay. I was handling things okay, even though I still have doubts and questions about the direction I am taking. I only thought of SIing as a side thought. But today…
It just hit me. I was at work and things were stressful, I was making mistakes, and walking around like I had half a brain. I feel like I made a fool of myself making all these mistakes. In reality they are pretty minor – nothing earth shattering, but I feel incompetent to do anything. On top of that I am really disliking the way I look lately, and it is my fault because I have been making unhealthy choices – another mistake to add to the pile.
I feel like self-punishment is needed. I want to SI. It is not a side thought today. It is an front and center thought. During the end of work today I could imagine SIing, I could picture everything about it. It was the only thing keeping me going until I could go home. I am holding back. SI in not a healthy choice and will not solve anything. It has been more than six months SI free and I want to stay on that path. But in times like today where I want to punish myself I find it hard to find a subsitute.
So the SI “want” really hit me hard today. It has been a while since I have felt this strong of a “want” to SI and I am struggling a bit with that.