Hi

I think this is my first post.  I am joe.  I am 34/male and live in Chicago.  I have done self injury in the past.  Tomorrow I am going for my second laser surgery to make my scar less red.   I am quite sick in that I use to injure my face.  I stopped injuring last year, but now I am paying the price.  I feel even more ashamed because my scar is on my face, whereas for most people it’s on their body and able to be hidden.  I can’t live without concealer, and I’m a male.

The laser surgery is very scary.  It cannot be hidden, it’s obvious I’ve had something done.

The doctor I go to doesn’t know that I caused the scar.  I am too ashamed to admit it.  I made up some story that it was an accident.

I have to drive an hour to the doctor…alone.  Then do the surgery, alone.  Then drive back, alone.  I’m so exhausted by always being alone.

I am so afraid of doctors.  Last time, I felt the doctor did way too much laser, more than I wanted or needed, and I had to deal with how it looked.  I want to stand up for myself and ask him to do less this time.    This is so traumatic for me, going through these surgeries and seeing things get worse, without the doctor knowing how hard this is.  I’m  just too afraid to tell doctors the real cause.  I have been made fun of in ER’s before, so I never tell doctors the truth anymore.  Otherwise they treat you like you are crazy and won’t help  you and just refer you to a psychologist.

Anyway, my first post.  I hope I didn’t trigger anyone or violate any rules.  I’m very alone and scared, that’s why I posted today for the first time, because of this laser surgery tomorrow.  I have stocked up on food and done laundry.  I plan on hiding in my room for 2 weeks and I’m very scared and alone.

Does anyone have any advice?  How to face doctors and ask for what you want?  How to deal with the loneliness?

any help would be greatly appreciated.

joe