I am so frusterated with my self. I relapsed again this morning. Maybe some you you remember my post back in january, “Hurt and dont know what to do.” Well i guess i didnt have much self value, or maybe in some sick pathetic way, i thought he loved me enought to quit (even thought he didnt love me enough to not do it in the first palce.) or maybe i thought since everyone already knows im crazy, i was just reading into the proof i found that screamed out to me warning me that he had no intentions of being faithful to me. So like the pathetic little, whatever you call someone that foolish, i moved foreward with the wedding. Yea, i know, anyone with half the common sence of a monkey is probly saying right now “what an idiot!” But i wasnt thinking with my head. I was thinking with my heart. I was hoping that my dream of being loved, and charished by someone wasnt crashing at my feet. I wasnt ready to face the truth. The truth hurt too much, so i let, well forced my mind to cling to the fantacy world i had found. And that was what it was, none of it was ever real. And when i started to find that out, i turned a blind, well blindfolded eye to it. Anyway, alond with the lack of faithfulness came mental and physical abuse, and living like roomates with my husband, and by this i mean not even sharing a bedroom. Then yet another lie he had told me and most everyone in the community came unraveled. The cancer he claimed he was on treatments for, that may not even respond to the treatments, that kept him from being able to work to suppot his new wife, that turned him into a distand person, nothing like the man i fell in love with didnt even exist. It was a complete fabrication, something to get sympathy, an excuse to live off of the wife that he had promised to take care of, an excuse to turn into someone i didnt even know. Then came the last straw. A county shiriff deputy showed up at my door to arrest him on the 5, yes 5 warrants that he had never bothered to tell me about, one being a felony. Well, i used the time he was incarceated to get up my streignth to do what i should have done when i posted before. So hes been staying with his aunt about an hour from here. I just got a letter from my attorney stating that he had been served with the divorce papers, called her, and agreed to sign them and mail them back to her. So thats good right? Thats what i wanted, for him to not contest it. To not make it any harder than it had already been. Or so i thought until it happened. Then however pathetic it may sound, it was the worst thing he could have done. I was unable to sleep last night, not because of the letter she sent me, infact when i first recieved it, i was relieved. No just sometimes i cant sleep, and thats when my mind kicks in gear. Thats when the best thing he could have done turned to the worst. It hit me about 5:30, that he didnt even value our marriage enough to fight for it. No he wasnt gonna even attempt to salvage it. He disreguarded me enought to just to kick me to the curb. And if that was true, than he had never really loved me or wanted me, cause how can you just unlove someone who you vowed to love and cherish forever? I mean i know it happens everyday, but how could it just happen seemingly overnight? I realized that I infact had used the whiles he used to win my heart and created a fanacy world, a world where i was loved and cherrished. So i did it, didnt even fight it that much. I needed it. I mean i know logicly it was the last theing i needed, but i also deserved it for being so foolish. Thus was the end of me being stron and holding my head up, and not letting it tear me apart. The end of my 4 months clean.