I just self injured after three days of being clean. during those three days my mind was very hazy and i was too depressed to function. It was withdrawl. and now that i fell off the wagon i feel better but i know that that feeling is not real. its the only way to feel noraml for me anymore. i can’t stand it. I just want to go back to the person i was and idk if that is possible for me at this point. Im too screwed up to fix myself.
No you are not, nobody is too screwed up to fix themselves. you are not alone in wanting to be normal or back to your old self. i sometimes want to return to who i was before s.i., but then i realize that s.i. is the only thing different for me. if you have that much of an overwhelming feeling that you are too far gone to go back, try to see why, or try setting yourself a program/regime that will get you to stop and let you down easily, because it is very hard to go cold turkey. try to find a passtime, and make it different from your triggers in every way. in my experience what helps the most is sports, art, and music. that may not work for eveyone, but sometimes it does.
You aren’t broken, so you can’t be fixed. You just have a few flaws that need to be sanded down and repainted.
Now is the perfect time to reach out for help. There is no way I could have made it this far in my recovery without help, help from my higher power and help from others. We were not designed to go it alone in this world. There is nothing wrong with asking for help and accountabilty. Find someone you trust and start from there.