I have been thinking a lot recently about what my purpose is. I am in my late 20s and I feel worthless. I wake up most mornings and hate what path I have chosen. I am still young enough to follow a different path, but I don’t know what that is. I hate waking up in the morning dreading the day because I have to go to a job I don’t like and work in a field that I don’t enjoy, even though that is what I went to school for. I have realized passion does not lie in my line of work. I hate it and I hate that it makes me depressed everyday. I want a change. I want to be happy and enjoy life.
I think part of the depression comes from a chemical imbalance. When I was seeing a psychiatrist, I was put on depression medication (which I was against), and to my surprise it helped – a lot. But something is still missing – and that feeling is getting worse. I just took on a huge change in my life and the tranistion period is so difficult. I don’t think I can handle it. Everyone seems to think I should just be fine, but change is a huge deal, and it so hard to deal with.
I am struggling so much right now – so much. I need help, I need support, but I am in a new place and know no one. I am so alone and I don’t know where to go. I cry everyday, and have the urge to SI all the time. I need help before I completely lose myself.
I just wanted to tell you that Iwhat you wrote means a lot to me
because it says what I feel but could not put into words.
Change is so difficult for me too, and being alone… horrible.
I’m so sorry, you have to struggle so much, and I wish I could give you some advice, but I can only say what I do, and this may not be what’s write for you, but maybe you could try it…
For me talking, writing, communicating my feelings in whichever way I can, to someone who won’t judge, someone able to give out free loving kindness can sometimes be soothing and almost healing.
Just like what you’re already doing. Writing on this blog!
Like you said, sometimes it is hard to know, to REALLY know what it is we ourselves want, REALLY want…
What I’m trying to start doing (and maybe you can try this to if you feel it will be right for you) is to intersect, to look inside my heart without feeling guilty. Just to stop for some time every day, instead of going along with the rutine, and think
go to a pschologist, try to write a stream of consciousness, writing whatever I think without thinking.
I also call hotlines whenever I feel lost, confused in a frenzy of emotions that I cannot deal with on my own.
Through writing and talking I learn new things about myself, my fears, my talents, my past and my future.
It is still really hard for me, but I feel like this sort of intersection is helping me. I feel like I am coming closer to finding a path, a direction in which to head, to direct my life, my plans etc.
Progress is slow because often it is still hard for me to recognize that I am allowed that time and space, that I am worth it, that I deserve it. The low self image I have of myself often makes me believe that I do not deserve this kind of kindness.
But when I write like I am doing right now, it just becomes clear that I do deserve to write, I do deserve to relax and to be human, that I am allowed to call a hotline and tell them I am sad, that I am allowed to go for a walk on a nice summer day. I REALLY am!
I hope this helps, I hope I have been able to connect to you.
May we be able to help eachother find true happiness, all of us on this blog, lifting each other up every day.
G-d bless!
If your a church goer, then start there, It has helped me lately, I feel off the wagon of si ing 2 years ago, after being si free for 12 years, talk about a blow to me. Drawing and writting has also helped, I had to surrender to medication Not my favorite cup of tea, But it has made it easier to attempt to regain control. As always keep the faith strong. God never gives us more than we can handle and he always give us a way out(A positive way)
As an adult, you have to reach out and become your advocate. I’m 27, almost 28, and I just spent nearly 6 months in treatment. One of the big things they taught me there was to reach out when I needed it and to stop expecting other people to know when I needed help/ support/ encouragement. Adults speak and act for themselves. For me, becoming an empowered an adult was a vital aspect of my treatment. I’m still learning this and it is a daily struggle, but I choose to view myself as an adult – not a child – therefore, I’m now responsible for my own health and well being (in addition to recovery).
With self-injury, we tend to use our actions rather than our words, in order to express our feelings/ thoughts/ emotions to ourselves and or others – directly and or indirectly. One of the keys in recovery is in learning how to use our words, rather than actions, in order to express ourselves. Also, learning how to use actions appropriately — as to not manipulate, lie, or decieve — are important aspects of recovery.
I suggest starting out by intentionly surrounding yourself with people. Try attending a church or support group. You can also hang out the library or join a community club for theater or writing or art. Every community has places to meet others. You have to start somewhere and start going where your interests lead you.
If you would ever like to talk, please email me. Being an adult and dealing with self-injury often feels alienating, but there are adults out there who are still struggling… cratclif@gmail.com