It’s the first day of summer vacation and I find I can’t even be happy. I’m used to my depression sitting at the edge of my consciousness but today it’s really tugging, fighting to take control. I SI’d four days ago, for no real reason, other than to see if I could still feel. I don’t know why I SI sometimes, and today I’m fighting against it because I know how much harder it is to hide things in the summer. I want a better reason to fight it. I wish I had a reason to believe I should stop, but I struggle finding any. It hurts the people around me but that isn’t enough to make me stop because their pain for me is just a small fraction of what I feel everyday. I wish I could convince myself that someone actually cared and loved me. But I just feel like no one does, and it makes me sad to see the one person that did, leave me because of it. I fight the urge to SI so much better when I feel like I have a purpose, but right now I just feel worthless.
You are not alone Daelyn. I fight feelings of worthlessness everyday. I just made a counseling appointment because its so bad right now. I encourage you to do the same. Or talk to a friend that won’t judge but at the same time doesn’t condone what you are doing. Sounds like you already know what you need to stop, a purpose. Find one that works for you, no matter how small. If it matters to you and helps, go for it.
What do you do if the only purpose you have on this earth is SI?