It’s the first day of summer vacation and I find I can’t even be happy. I’m used to my depression sitting at the edge of my consciousness but today it’s really tugging, fighting to take control. I SI’d four days ago, for no real reason, other than to see if I could still feel. I don’t know why I SI sometimes, and today I’m fighting against it because I know how much harder it is to hide things in the summer. I want a better reason to fight it. I wish I had a reason to believe I should stop, but I struggle finding any. It hurts the people around me but that isn’t enough to make me stop because their pain for me is just a small fraction of what I feel everyday. I wish I could convince myself that someone actually cared and loved me. But I just feel like no one does, and it makes me sad to see the one person that did, leave me because of it. I fight the urge to SI so much better when I feel like I have a purpose, but right now I just feel worthless.