I was wondering if anyone could help me out here. This year I started S.I, and I barely know why. I mean, I’ve been what I guess you could say, depressed for two years now. I have my ups and downs, like everyone, I guess. I go from super happy to really sad. My therapist thought I was bipolar, had ADD, or that I’m just a moody teenager. I know that a lot of the time when my mood changes, it’s because I run out of energy, and when I’m tired, I don’t have any interest in doing good things. So it can be really confusing. But a lot of the time, I feel like if I don’t have a person there to keep me happy at that moment, I give up on things and I just start to fall. It’s hard to have a continuous person or thing to keep me going. I do things to keep me feeling alive, like listening to music, singing, making jewelery. I make posters and collages with pictures and quotes and lyrics that inspire me. But sometimes it’s not enough. Even in my happiest moments, I still feel like there’s something missing. And it’s so frustrating. I have friends that know I do it, and they’re wonderful and helpful. They are the continuous support I was saying that it’s hard to have, but I do feel on many occasions that I’m bothering them. Not because they treat me badly or anything, but because I guilt myself into things. They give me attention and talk to me, but I make myself think that it’s not right for me to be getting their help. My friend told me that anytime I do it, I should go ahead and talk to her, just start a random conversation about anything to get my head out of it. I S.I. the other day, and I kept picking up my phone to talk to her, but I didn’t say a thing, because I really felt like I wasn’t worth the time, or I didn’t want to ruin her mood, because I thought my problem could mess up any good place she was in. I feel like an awful person. I know I have a good life, but I have such a problem at grasping the good parts, that I dwell on the past. I can easily give others advice to help motivate them, but when it comes to me.. I just don’t know. I feel like a bad person. I know that I want people to know I S.I. Like I need the credit from people to recognize what I do. I think that every time I do it, it’s just in vain. It’s just because I want attention. I don’t want to be like that, but in all honesty.. I guess that’s how I am. Sometimes I think that the only reason I really want to stop is because I don’t feel I deserve the recognition of others; I feel like I’m putting to shame all the other people with this problem because there are others that have a huge problem with this, because they’ve been through so much. I have so many conflicting emotions. And when I do it, I enjoy it a lot of the time. Sometimes I even smile. I think it’s terrible, like I’m crazy. I don’t understand whether I really have a problem, or I’m just forcing this to be my problem for attention or something of the sort. I know this was a really long post, but if anyone cares to try to help me out, it would be greatly appreciated.
You are not a bad person. You are not a burden. You are hurting and you need help healing. We all need some help to heal sometimes. Do you have a counselor? They are really good to have. And your friend… can I just say that you are so lucky to have her and I can tell that she cares about you so next time try calling her before you do anything, just to take your mind off it.
Hope this helps,
Staystrong
Thank you, this helped a lot.<3