So im not sure why ive wanted to SI so badly the past 48 hours. Ive done nothing out of the ordinary. Ive gone to work, gone home, relaxed, seen family,went to a party, had a great time with a best friend, yet during all this I wanted to SI. Really bad. And to be completely honest the only reason i didnt was because i switched purses 3 days ago and didnt have my tool with me. I hate to admit the only thing that held me back was laziness. I still want it, even right now, but i know i shouldnt. i know its not going to help anything in the big picture.
I think someone up there whether its god or mother nature has heard my prayers the past few weeks, its been cloudy and dreary around here and usually in May in my part of the world is usually in the high 90s. Im not ready to wear short sleeves yet. I havnt SI-ed on any visible place in over 4 years, but the scars that are left over just look back at me and seem to make fun of me. This isnt my first summer being a self harmer. This isnt my first summer with scars. But it feels like that. Maybe its because im older. Maybe im trying to feel attractive for once. Maybe i realized how ugly the scars really are. Whatever it is i have a full week of bad weather. Amen to that
So i know everyone on here is all over the place, but where i am theres this stupid radio comercial that comes on and it really makes me sad and it literally makes me want to cry each time i hear it. It basically a mother talking about how her son died in a driving collison and she woke up her son in the middle of the night to tell him. And she starts crying. Like, i get the comercial is suppose to evoke emotion. But idk. It stresses me out every time i hear it. And its not like i can easily change the station and not hear it, its on every station. Has anyone else heard this? Maybe its just where i am that runs it idk.
Well, I can say that I’ve never heard that commercial, but I would be REALLY upset if I heard it too. They shouldn’t even be broadcasting that stuff… I totally understand the seemingly “random urges”, though – I get them all the time at school. Even though you may think that “laziness” stopped you, the fact that you *didn’t* SI, even though you wanted to, still means something. That’s the greatest achievement of all – when you don’t SI even though you have really bad urges. Because that makes you even stronger, and hopefully, you’ll get stronger and better at coping every time. I honestly wish I could say that I’ve over-come my scars, but I really haven’t. I’m trying, but, it’s a long, arduous process I think to accept them. And really, I have no right to be talking – I’ve only injured for a year and a half now. But know that we’re here for you. I truly understand what it’s like to wear long-sleeve shirts in gorgeous, 85 degree weather that makes me want to go swimming or even just wear a tanktop. Instead, though, I sit by the poolside. I don’t know if it gets easier as time goes on – you can probably speak to that better than I can – but don’t give up hope. Keep trying and persisting to overcome this, and in the end, you will emerge as a stronger, better person 🙂 Stay strong!
hi. i agree, things like that are depressing. there’s this one commercial that comes on for depression medication and every time i hear it, it’s like…thanks for reminding me i’m depressed! grr! it’s like the commercial’s trying to make people depressed to sell their medication. it drives me nuts!
congrats on not slipping even when it was constantly on your mind all day. i know how that is. maybe you’re more stressed recently? and that’s making you want to relapse? do you have anyone you could talk to about things? maybe that will make you feel better.’
stay safe darling.
L