It has been a while since I have last posted anything.
I had always been so proud of myself. I kept my depression to a minimum most of the time,only really letting myself hurt when I knew I was alone. Then,I would put on a happy face and everyone would think I was okay. I hadn’t harmed mysefl physically in two years. Two years.. Now that is something to be proud of. Not anymore.. I SIed the other day. I felt relived. I felt ashamed. I felt alone. I felt everything,right there,sitting on my bathroom floor. I felt it all in one single moment.
Summer break is in four days,but summer has been here long before this upcoming day of freedom. Everyone has worn t-shirts and tank tops,showing off their tanned,beautiful,scarless,skin. Even I have.. Except for recently. The coverings have been getting longer and the periods of my depression have too.
I am in love,and that should bring me happiness. But it dosent,for I also feel love for another. My feelings are torn between them. Never can I say anything that will upset the other one,in fear of losing one of them.
My mother yells at me constantly. CONSTANTLY. Never is there one moment where her voice is not raised,or her finger in my face. She tells me to ‘man up’ and admit what is wrong because Im being ‘ridiculous’. How can I open up to you if YOU are most of my problem. Tell me that,Mom.
Friends.. Thats funny. I dont even know the meaning of that word anymore. It is so forigen to my ears. Everyone I once had that I called my ‘friend’ has left. And did they say goodbye first? Hugging me close to their bodies and wishing my luck in the future? No. They left without one word. Not even a backward glance.
I found a story I wrote around January. If you read it,you would be apalled. You would gasp and avert your eyes,not being able to read one more word. But that is what is inside me. Writing in pain,waiting to be released,which is done only when I bring that sharp object to my skin.