This is my first time on the site since first talking to someone via telephone at SAFE. I am 27 years old, was diagnosed with Major Depression back on May 3rd, and I have not been to work since April 27th due to my symptoms. I am nervous because my Doctor changed my medication, and I began to SI on May 11th, but even after calling him, and the Psychologist that won’t see me until June 10th, they just tell me to have patience. I have tried explaining that I really think there is something wrong that requires faster help than June 10th…no one but my family seems to agree.
I admit I have terrible confused thoughts and even though I know it is not good, I am compelled to SI because, well, when I do, it’s like “there, that’s why I am crying, that’s what hurts…” and then I feel worse than ever when the pain wears off. I have a lot of guilt.
I am concerned for my work, concerned for my family, friends, and myself. I tend to put on a good show when I am nervous…making everyone think I am okay, even while I am all wired up and freaking out inside. I don’t leave the house much at all anymore. I am still trying to figure all this out. Like I tried to explain to so many before, and maybe someone here will understand.
“I feel like life is a 50,000 piece puzzle, and that it is all put together less the final piece. When you go to put that last piece in, it is colored right, and when place ontop the puzzle, it sort of works, but has been miss-tooled in the shop, so it doesn’t quite fit. Unless the piece is modified, it simply doesn’t fit into lthe rest. As guessed, I feel I am that puzzle piece.”
Well, I don’t know what more to say since I don’t want to bring people down my alphabetically listing my symptoms and thoughts. I just feel as though I’ve gone insane and am losing touch with realoty, and myself.
I hope that you find what you’re looking for, and one day you understand your thoughts and you make it out of your confusion. You can do it, but it takes a lot. It takes energy, focus, time, and in that, there are bound to be times that you will feel like that puzzle piece. But working towards a better place, and trying new medications (which I think is really good that you’re allowing yourself to do that) can help you. It may take time, but that doesn’t mean that you will never find it. As for the doctors telling you to have patience.. well I think that it’s there job to help out each patient they have and give support. Even though they may have many patients to support, they still shouldn’t let anyone fall behind. But I also think that once you give them the patience they ask for, you will get the attention you need. Until then, try some things that will get your mind out of whirling thoughts. I’d say go to your family, but they seem to look the other way. Getting out more could help, like try to get in contact with friends, or meet some new people. Go out and have a good lunch. Find a nice book to read. Listen to music you haven’t listened to for a few years, or listen to whatever inspires you. Anything that gets you away from S.I. and makes the time go by until June 10, is good. Oh, and I’ve made collages of pictures of things that I love, like music, and my favorite quotes and lyrics, and I made them specifically to hang them up on my wall and give me a visual sense of hope. That can take up your time, as well as really inspire you. Try that out and see if it works. :] Surround yourself with what you love, whatever it may be. You know, healthy things, not S.I, because afterwords you’ll feel regret, but with other things, you’ll feel brightened and energized. Good luck, dear. Stay strong.<3