This is my first time on the site since first talking to someone via telephone at SAFE. I am 27 years old, was diagnosed with Major Depression back on May 3rd, and I have not been to work since April 27th due to my symptoms. I am nervous because my Doctor changed my medication, and I began to SI on May 11th, but even after calling him, and the Psychologist that won’t see me until June 10th, they just tell me to have patience. I have tried explaining that I really think there is something wrong that requires faster help than June 10th…no one but my family seems to agree.
I admit I have terrible confused thoughts and even though I know it is not good, I am compelled to SI because, well, when I do, it’s like “there, that’s why I am crying, that’s what hurts…” and then I feel worse than ever when the pain wears off. I have a lot of guilt.
I am concerned for my work, concerned for my family, friends, and myself. I tend to put on a good show when I am nervous…making everyone think I am okay, even while I am all wired up and freaking out inside. I don’t leave the house much at all anymore. I am still trying to figure all this out. Like I tried to explain to so many before, and maybe someone here will understand.
“I feel like life is a 50,000 piece puzzle, and that it is all put together less the final piece. When you go to put that last piece in, it is colored right, and when place ontop the puzzle, it sort of works, but has been miss-tooled in the shop, so it doesn’t quite fit. Unless the piece is modified, it simply doesn’t fit into lthe rest. As guessed, I feel I am that puzzle piece.”
Well, I don’t know what more to say since I don’t want to bring people down my alphabetically listing my symptoms and thoughts. I just feel as though I’ve gone insane and am losing touch with realoty, and myself.