I feel like I’m stuck in this hole of S.I. I try to climb out of it but the people who hurt me push me back down and down into the hole and I’m climbing and climbing but my hands keep slipping. I keep falling backwards into this hole, falling and falling but never hitting the ground. That scares me because if the ground means hitting rock bottom (relapsing after almost 6 months), and I can’t see when I’m going to hit it, I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully be able to leave this hole behind and move on to the blue skies that I can see ahead. I don’t know how I’ll get there. Has anybody ever felt like this?

My counselor left. I’m alone again. I was finally getting somewhere with that, too. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I don’t know what to do. My parents are getting frustrated and the tools are calling me and my ex-best friend makes me so angry and frustrated and sad. I’m so alone but I’m not alone, I know that, but I was finally ready to get honest with my counselor about how the urges are getting so strong and how far down I keep falling, and then my counselor leaves. Just like that. I know that something happened and that it’s not my counselor’s fault, but I don’t know what happened and I’m scared and I don’t know what will happen or if I’ll ever see my counselor again.

I have no idea where I am. I’m strong, and then I’m weak. I fall, and then I catch myself. I don’t know how long this cycle will last, but I want it to end. That’s all I know for sure. People keep leaving me without saying goodbye, leaving me in this hole of urges and climbing and falling and fighting for breath and strength and sight and my voice to tell my story.

I just don’t know what to do. Has anybody ever felt like this?