so i figured out a way to stop. i dont know if it will work for you, but it has really put things in perspective for me. (I know its a long post, but just try to read it all the way through : ) )

so i read an article the other day that talked about the genetic behaviors that are carried down from generation to generation. i typically try not to believe that you are who you come from because i believe that every single person has the power to determine their future. however, this caught my eye. this article said that a child is more likely to continue habits of their parents; if they cuss, the children are more likely to cuss. if they fight, they will be more agressive. if they hear their parents speak negatively of themselves, the children are more likely to think negatively about their own bodies and lives. Being a girl, who spends probably 90 percent of the time thinking that i am wrong, ugly, unhealthy and useless, i began thinking about this. i began to wonder how my mother felt about herself when she was my age, or even now.. she often talks of dieting plans and other things to try to help her lose weight and look “beautiful.”I wonder if my views on myself and my circumstances, and the ways that i deal with those circumstances, have anything to do with my mom.

As every little girl does, i planned my wedding and the names of my children when i was about six years old. Subconciously, i have developed a love for my kids, though nonexistent yet, greater and stronger than any other emotion before. I began thinking about this article… If i have the power to start living for the bettering of my children, in hopes that perhaps they will have a better life than i do, why not start as soon as i can? and  i thought some more about how i want my girls to feel about themselves, and how i want my boys to feel about girls. I dont want my daughters to look in the mirror and see an ugly, useless, and empty being. I dont want them to throw themselves at any male who walks by so that they can get attention. and i dont want my sons to see girls like this and take advantage of them, i want to teach them positive ways of living, and show them how to help others who need to see positive ways of living too. After dissecting all of this about my future family, i realized that everything i want for them, i’m giving the oposite to myself.

So I have made a pact to start living for my kids. Study hard so I can get a good job and provide for my family. Work hard at whatever I do so i can teach them determination. Set time aside to love myself, so i can showthem how to love themselves too. Putting down a tool, taking a deep breathe, and saying outloud, “What will this do to my kids? I deserve better than that, and so domy children.”

I have realized that finding motivation is really hard in the rough patches of life. Often times i face a challenge and let it get the best of me because “I will recover.” Well I will now begin to think of it this way: I can recover, maybe. But what about my children? Why give them something that they cannot control? Why bring them to things that they dont need to be, and shouldnt be, brought into? Why think that I can give them a better life, but not act on it? Why not start these changes now?

Hopefully you will find some meaning in this. I dont know, it’s really ‘triggered’ me to come clean, start fresh, and think of my actions. Here is the secret: Even if you dont believe it at first, look in the mirror every single day, and say to yourself “I am beautiful. I have a beautiful soul. And I am going to live so that those who will be brought into my life in the future see that they are beautiful too.” Say it, and you will start to believe it.

Think about it. Stay strong. Love your family, your friends, and most importantly, yourself.