So I had a really bad day today, it got to the point where I was seriously considering going back to hurting myself. I was almost at that point where I give up because there is really no point in trying.
When I get sad or angry or regretful or feel any of the emotions that I’m supposed to feel (right?) my parents say that I’m self-pitying. I have no idea where this is coming from, but it feels like when I’m trying to actually feel the pain and the anger rather than trying to find ways to not feel it, my parents… i don’t know… maybe they get scared or something but they say that I’m making myself feel like this and that I’m self-pitying.
I thought that going numb was bad and that feeling was good. They are making me feel like I’m not allowed to feel sad or angry, that I’m not allowed to have a bad day or a bad week, I have to decide “I’m going to be happy.” And to be honest, I can’t do that. I can’t. And I refuse to go numb again just because my parents make me feel like I’m not allowed to feel. I just started getting good at this whole embracing the pain thing, and I’m not going to give up now.
Anyways, after everything that went wrong today (horrible headache, accumulating stress, seeing my ex-best friend, and everything else) I just put my the kid i babysit to bed. And seeing him sleep was just… probably the most peaceful thing I’ve ever seen. With his eyes closed and his gentle breathing, he was just so innocent and I just lived in that moment because it was so peaceful and perfect and there was absolutely nothing wrong in that very instant. It was perfect.
I just wanted to share this because I know now that when everything goes wrong, there is still at least one thing that goes right. Even if it’s just a little thing. And thinking about this made me think about all the other little things that went right, and maybe it wasn’t such a horrible day after all.
Also, I was wondering if any of you had read Bodily Harm and if it helped and stuff. I was just wanting some more information. Was it triggering or anything?