A bit of randomness thinking…
It is starting to get warm in my part of the world. And with the warm and long days another season begins of hiding my scars. It feels like a ritual now, with every passing year. I see other people start to break out the shorts and t-shirts and I am still figuring out how I can cover up and not look completely out of place.
Every year this happens. Now that I am older I have a little more confidence (and I stress “a little”) to venture outside for a walk in a t-shirt. Sure there may be people who glance at my injuries, but I don’t know them, and they don’t know me. I don’t care if they wonder – and they probably don’t notice anyway. Somehow I just assume that everyone is looking at everyone else’s body for some sign of SI, because that is what I do. I am just looking for some reassurance that I am not alone in this world.
Anyway…thankfully at work, and most other places I can get by with long sleeves. However, coming soon, is the outdoor annual family reunion. For the past few years I have been able to get out of it with the excuse that it was to far to travel, that I could not get time off from work, etc. But now I am living much closer to the family reunion destination, and because it is such a short drive, I have no excuse. It is expected that I go. So what do I do?
Sure my mother knows that I use to SI, but it has been more than a decade since she thinks I have done anything. No one else knows of my past. My family knows nothing – which in itself is rather funny considering it is a family member who hurt me in more ways than one, who destroyed a part of me, and who this day still tortures a lot of my thoughts.
I know I am quite old enough now to wear what I want and not have people berate me about it. I am old enough now to be confident with my clothes wearing decisions. I only wish that made it easier to cover up at the resort pool while everyone is sporting their tank tops and shorts. I wish sometimes it were easier. I have put myself in this situation, I know. But at the same time I feel like people’s lack of understanding of SI, and judgment that is placed on SI also puts me in this situation. My scars are a part of me and yet I find myself being ashamed of them when I shouldn’t be.
It will be a long warm season here – I can feel it. But then again, warm weather always seems to last a bit longer than I want it to, no matter where I am.