Through my constant breakdowns, through the empty bottles, and the countless tears, I’m still holding on. Still alive but bearly breathing, right? I’m not broken anymore. I’m shattered. Nothing of the endless rumors hurt me. It’s my shielded poker face that saves me. Fake that smile, walk that walk, it will get you though. The pain inside is just inside, no one has to see it. Pain is pain, and it will always be there. Even if they did, no one would understand. For example, my mother, the one who gave birth to me, knows. But doesn’t care. Everyone knows. No one cares. My one true love, crushed me. I had everything. In perfect balance with the world on my shoulders. To have it turning on you, shaking your faith from your still position. I made one person my world, to be left with many horific illusions of love. You can never have your perfect moment or situation. The futher you go, you can be either proud, or be ashamed of how things work out. Nothing is EVER perfect. Especially in the end. There are things you can and can’t rely on in life, and when they let you down, you can feel yourself falling. Down into the depts of your own pain and emotions. I always had these dreams, of me. People will love you, to have them let you down. They will watch your heart collapse, and wait for the perfect moment when your happy again, to break it all over again. He lives on my pain and stress. On rumors of me and how much I messed up, and my thoughts scramble for answers. The way my head used to work is when something is wrong, make it right, make it right, make it right! I don’t believe in second chances. I believe you should have as many chances to make it right. To prove your saddness and for them to show you theres, to show that person you used to know. But my brain doesnt know what to do anymore. I can’t make it right all on my own. It takes two to make everything to come together and heal in the process. I can’t grasp on realty. My mind is in wonderland, filled with dumb nonsence such as sweet memories. My mind is on replay. Sometimes they are sweet sweet painful memories. Like the brown color of his eyes. How they could reach my heart with such love. How they knew everything going on in my head. And how I could look in them and know he loved me. But now all I see is a guy who says horriable things to me. I read in a book and it says, “We are disturbed by not by what happens to us, but by our own thoughts about what has happened to us.” We never know how much a person has an impact on our hearts. We are never fully certain. We all respond the same though. I know my heart and trust has been left empty, in the hands of someone that doesn’t even care about me. It’s as if someone has taken a vacum to my chest. My nerves in my body have been left to jelly.
“Wish you could turn off the questions, turn off the voices, turn off all sound.
Yearn to close out the ugliness, close out the filthiness, close out all light.
Long to cast away yesterday, cast away memory, cast away all jeopardy.
Pray you could somehow stop the uncertainty, somehow stop the loathing, somehow stop the pain.”