I am beginning a journey to find real tools to learn how to deal with your stress. I have attempted before, but it only lasted 2 years and was dependent on another person’s well-being. I want to believe true happiness is actually possible. Unfortunately previously I have simply used band-aids to temporarily fix and cover-up my problems, instead of actually healing myself.
I am truly ready to take this journey and quit fighting a battle that has taken 13 years of my life, and ruined subsequent chances for me to really make something of myself. I have no doubt that this journey will be one of the most challenging things I have ever done, but also the most rewarding!! I will not lie, this is a very scary choice; to just say OK this thing that has been my partner and been there for me anytime I needed it for 13 years is not really as wonderful or helpful as I have assumed, so now I am giving my control away, and letting someone else show me more efficient strategies.
This is something I have told people, “I don’t think it is so bad; it is just like exercise, the amount of stress and strain in puts on my physical body may actually be less than running” to deny that it has become my crutch and that it probably has been one of the most mentally damaging things in my life (that is hard to admit and makes me feel like bursting into tears). I do not find myself to be a liar, but I know that I have lied about this to many people many times, even if they know or have known about it I have told them it is over, or oh the last time was months ago when the reality is that the last time might have been minutes prior or I am planning to do it after that conversation. Those lies have not only been to others, but also to myself; thinking “oh, this little bit doesn’t count; I just needed some way to relieve my stress it was becoming overwhelming”. Or the ways I would try to hide it, especially when I had people in my life who were really paying attention. Than my reckless behavior is a whole other story. When I get hurt I will react in ways that even shock, anger, and disgust myself, then I will go on to pretend I am proud of these actions. In reality they have become such heavy disappointments that I cannot let go of. The combination of my negative self-worth, unstable relationships, and lies leads me to a road where my “best friend/partner/addiction” is the only one who knows my true feelings and can give me relief from them.
I feel as if this sounds extremely crazy, but I have been this person for a long time. To just stop is a huge decision that I have never been able to actually complete in my life, but I now know it is possible, and necessary. I hope to one day be doing this on my own, and still living life. I know that this is something I want to do weather or not anyone else supports me. I need this, the time has come for me to be happy!