I am having really bad urges to SI right now. I’ve got less than 10 days of school left and am starting to get really stressed out with all the stuff I have to get done with finals. I still don’t have anywhere to live once my lease is up at the end of the month, and I still have to pack up my apartment. I also am waiting to hear whether or not I got the job at the summer camp this summer. My friend keeps telling me that they’re going to call me and that I have the job, they just have to contact me about getting some paperwork done, but they still haven’t called…I’m just so stressed out and the only thing I want to do is SI. I know that even if it’s only for a little while, I’ll feel better. I’m afraid of relapsing.
I think the other part of it is that I’ve been in constant pain for the last four months. I am going to see a surgeon tomorrow about having a tube put in my right ear. There has been fluid in there since January and they’ve tried every medication under the sun to dry the fluid up, but it just won’t dry up and I’ve been in constant pain because of it. My ENT finally didn’t know what else to do, so he’s sending me to see his old business partner, who is a surgeon (apparently my ENT doesn’t do surgery). Hopefully the surgeon will agree to do the surgery to put a tube in my ear. If he doesn’t, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I’m in so much pain, all the time…I woke up the other morning and literally was in tears my ear hurt so bad. I haven’t been sleeping well because of the pain and that’s not helping anything.
I just want to SI so badly…I know I need help, but I feel like going back to my therapist is like admitting defeat; admitting that I can’t do it on my own. It’s like knowing that I’ll never be able to ride an adult bike, but instead have to ride a little kid’s bike with training wheels for the rest of my life.
I don’t know…I’m stressed out and I want to SI and I have no one here to stop me, I have no reason not to…so I can’t figure out why I haven’t yet. Not that it’s a bad thing, but I’m just not sure why I haven’t acted on my urges yet. I feel like SI-ing is the only thing that will calm me down enough to get me to where I can go to sleep…and lord knows I need it.
Anyway, I hope everyone else is doing well and has had a good day.
Don’t injure. I don’t know if this comment will get to you right away, but don’t. I can tell you now that it will just make you feel worse later. You haven’t injured yet because there is a part of you that knows this. And like you said, you are scared to relapse.
Going back to your therapist isn’t a bad thing. It’s better to have the training wheels on until you are ready for the adult bike, rather than skipping ahead to the adult bike when you aren’t ready and falling over… I hope that made sense. 🙂
Good luck with the urges, you can do it!
Staystrong
I have been in that place before (like the other day for example) where the stress feels so suffocating that you just want something to release it. Honestly, SI is not the way right now!! It will just lead you down a road much further away from recovery. If you continue to exercise your “healthy” stress relief, you will find that those training wheels will be coming off a lot sooner than expected. You can do it, and please do use any means of support to help you get through this rough seemingly endless patch.
Also regarding your ears, I have had many problems with my ears since I was small. One of the main problems now is pain and fluid that will not stop. I have found two solutions that have worked for me.
1. I was tested for allergies and began getting weekly allergy shots. This helped so much (I am not doing it now due to lack of insurance)!! So maybe you can talk to your Dr. about this.
2. I began eating a yeast free diet. I went off the book The Yeast Syndrome by John Parks Trowbridge and Morton Walker. There are some newer resources out there now and can be easily found online. This really helped as well, but was challenging for the first few months. I was actually recommended this book by my mother who was very sick after giving birth to me, and once she began this way of eating she stopped being sick. My mother did not make this a permanent lifestyle change, but continues to eat healthier than the average person. Again though always consult your Dr. before making any changes.
I hope this helps, and good luck remain strong and healthy!!
I understand very much where your comeing from. I was riding that adult bike for 12 year then 2 years ago I feel completely off of it. I know what it feels like to want that next si fix untill you get enough and it passess. Today Im seeking help from a councelor but it doesnt always stop me from si ing, I also working on understanding why I have certain triggers in my life, my goal today is to work on being si free so my kids dont follow in my footsteps. Believe me its not easy its a daily workout. But my life depends on it just remind yourself that you are better than any si fix you will ever have, keep fighting