I am having really bad urges to SI right now. I’ve got less than 10 days of school left and am starting to get really stressed out with all the stuff I have to get done with finals. I still don’t have anywhere to live once my lease is up at the end of the month, and I still have to pack up my apartment. I also am waiting to hear whether or not I got the job at the summer camp this summer. My friend keeps telling me that they’re going to call me and that I have the job, they just have to contact me about getting some paperwork done, but they still haven’t called…I’m just so stressed out and the only thing I want to do is SI. I know that even if it’s only for a little while, I’ll feel better. I’m afraid of relapsing.

I think the other part of it is that I’ve been in constant pain for the last four months. I am going to see a surgeon tomorrow about having a tube put in my right ear. There has been fluid in there since January and they’ve tried every medication under the sun to dry the fluid up, but it just won’t dry up and I’ve been in constant pain because of it. My ENT finally didn’t know what else to do, so he’s sending me to see his old business partner, who is a surgeon (apparently my ENT doesn’t do surgery). Hopefully the surgeon will agree to do the surgery to put a tube in my ear. If he doesn’t, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I’m in so much pain, all the time…I woke up the other morning and literally was in tears my ear hurt so bad. I haven’t been sleeping well because of the pain and that’s not helping anything.

I just want to SI so badly…I know I need help, but I feel like going back to my therapist is like admitting defeat; admitting that I can’t do it on my own. It’s like knowing that I’ll never be able to ride an adult bike, but instead have to ride a little kid’s bike with training wheels for the rest of my life.

I don’t know…I’m stressed out and I want to SI and I have no one here to stop me, I have no reason not to…so I can’t figure out why I haven’t yet. Not that it’s a bad thing, but I’m just not sure why I haven’t acted on my urges yet. I feel like SI-ing is the only thing that will calm me down enough to get me to where I can go to sleep…and lord knows I need it.

Anyway, I hope everyone else is doing well and has had a good day.