Sorry to waste more cyberspace on another post, but I really have no one to talk to right now. Needless to say my day never got better. It took a lot of energy to hold back my tears and urges until I got home. I really wanted to SI more than I have in a long time. The moment I got in my front door I just sobbed. When I finally gained a little bit of control I just stared off into nothing, thinking I am nothing. I wanted to go away then. In the few seconds that I sat there staring into the nothingness I formulated a plan, and a place. Luckily it was a brief moment that I thought this. I hate feeling like this again. For months I have done so incredibly well – I felt like a new better person. Today, I feel like the old me that I can’t stand. I want to SI more than ever right now. I have not, mainly becuase I know it won’t help. I want to use it as a form of punishment again. I want to punish myself for making the decision to move, for not being the assertive person I should be at work, for not having any friends here, for making stupid mistakes all the time, and for being the ugly duckling walking around all the pretty people.
I really do hate myself today and feel I need to be punished somehow for the way I am. I know it is a bit ridicolous, but right now I don’t have the energy to use my tools and use positive “self talk” to tell myself anything different.
I don’t want to go back down the hole again. I need to hang on, but I don’t know why I need to.